I went to the beach the other day by myself to decompress and I ended up randomly engaged in conversation with a lifeguard.
We're both in our late 40s so we grew up before the Internet but then aged into it.
Our political views were very different and yet the lengthy conversation that we had was not just polite but also oddly relaxing. We found ourselves finding common ground and even persuading each other to grow our views on some topics.
When I left he told me that this was the nicest most interesting conversation he's had in a long time and I agreed.
And then I remembered having these conversations all the time when I was in my late teens and early to late 20s and that trying to have these conversations in the last decade was always futile so I stopped.
And then I remembered being ashamed of myself several times for being dysregulated and defensive and even volatile, guilty of what you describe and aware of it, not just online but also in person.
So yes I agree with you about what you're saying but sadly I don't know of a solution.