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Comment by nutjob2 | Hacker News Reader

I never enjoyed spending time with my late parents. I only did so out of a sense of obligation. I have no children and have never really given that choice a second thought.

Its interesting that people value their relationship with their children so much and I assume its due to a deep sense of connection with them, they being "flesh and blood" but I've never given that any weight. I feel much more connected to people who have had similar life experiences and ideas to myself, and that could be anyone. I have quite a few relatives who I've never met or met once and do not see because they are nothing like me.

I suspect this is mostly due to being pretty far out on the pointy bits of various bell curves.

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It’s actually incomprehensible as a non parent. Your entire psychology re-orients after kids.

I actually have long disagreed with this sentiment -- I know people who don't want and never want kids, and they seem to totally comprehend the kind of love I have for my children. I also remember being a teenager and always kind of understanding the depth of the love my parents had for me (as in knowing "they love me implicitly, and they'd die for me, and they wish me so much happiness", and all the other trappings that I'd use to describe it with my own kids).

Being able to feel that love directly is, of course, a different story that's probably indeed pretty unique.

I think it is more than that though. Parenthood is a long, multi-year process full of hormones, self-reflection, and fundamental changes to your psyche. A non-parent can intellectually understand what happens and why, can emotionally understand or feel that love by swapping out kids with partners, pets, etc. But I believe there is a level of understanding that is just not possible unless you also go through that process. Hard to describe. Closest analog I can think of right now is my perspective on pregnancy vs my wife's.

I don’t think we disagree at all. The feeling is very different from the intellectual understanding of it.

You have to do the journey as a parent. It's long. It's beyond intense. It's a million small victories. A thousand small tragedies. If you come out the other end with mutual admiration and love, the depth is beyond explanation.

One thing that surprised me as a parent is that watching kids grow up provides significant introspective reflection which is nourishing in a different kind of way.

Do you want people here to try to convince you to have kids?

It also depends on the parents and how they nurtured the relationship with the child as they grew up.

I had a a good relationship with mine growing up, and enjoyed visiting, talking and so on as I was an adult.

A good friend had it different. They were not good parents. He, much like you, visit out of obligation and not to get written out of the will quite frankly. If it was up to him he'd never see them again.

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