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Putting a gigantic thumb on the Free Market™ scale.

You mean they were putting a thumb on the scale and now they're not.

What's in a name? That which we call socialism / By any other name would smell as sweet.

Is socialism, but without universal healthcare, university education, and social safety nets.

I'm unaware of any actual attempts at socialism ever achieving those things, so perhaps socialism is defined otherwise in reality?

What are you talking about? Plenty of countries have socialized healthcare and education.