I kinda agree with you but Could you please elaborate on “ having kids does all the good things in life at once” as I dont see how is that so straightforward. I’m actually currently really conflicted on the idea whether I want or dont want kids.
Truthfully, it is hard to relate to non-parents why you enjoy your own kids. It’s completely different than babysitting someone else’s kids. It’s your family and you like being with them. After work I’d rather hang out with my kids and go for a bike ride or build legos with them instead of relax and watch TV. I’m kind of dreading the day that they don’t want to spend so much time with me because we have so much fun. It’s a little extra motivation to get my work done early and start my day early so I can have more time with them, which is something I never thought I’d say as a nights and evenings person.
The extra work is more work than if I didn’t have kids and just relaxed after work and on weekends, but it’s not the world-ending grind like some people talk about. The early part where they’re waking up through the night and need constant feedings and changes goes by quickly and then you’re into a routine and teaching them ever more self sufficiency. I wouldn’t dwell on it, or at least don’t let it be an obstacle to imagining the rest of your years with a family. It’s a year or two of altered sleep schedules for 40 years of having a family.
Getting balanced takes from happy parents around you is a good idea. Online it’s too easy to get drawn into social media whirlpools of unhappy parents venting about things, but I’ve found the best advice comes from the happy parents around you that are quietly enjoying their lives without bringing up the topic of kids. You have to bring it up with them. Depending on where you work, it’s possible that the average person around you has a family and is happy about it, but they’re not bringing it up all the time because it’s just normal life for them.
That's good advice. I'll add the caveat that sometimes you cannot be entirely sure (few things in life are so clear cut), but if you truly hesitate, don't do it. Also don't do it for the sake of a partner who insists, or to save your relationship. Big mistake; children are neither bargaining chips nor bets that can pay off.
If you're leaning towards "yes", however, I think it can be a wonderful (if hard!) experience.
This may sound somewhat reductive, and please correct me if that is the case, but I find that I can be around and play with my nephew and experience all of this wonder and how he progresses through life, while not being around for the sleepless nights and tantrums that I feel are the "work" part of being a parent.
But I'm a new dad as of this year, and it's totally different. It really doesn't compare.
There's only so much time you can spend with someone else's kid, even if they're family. Even seeing a niece or nephew every week doesn't compare with waking up with a newborn at 3 AM and seeing them stick their tongue out for the first time, or seeing the squinty face they make when they try a strawberry for the first time at 5 PM on a random Tuesday.
In a sense, one could say there's no greater joy.
But there's also perhaps no greater pain when parenting gets really complex and hard. One of my kids is autistic and raising him has been incredibly difficult and painful (he's a teen now).
Edit: I think another poster put it well that “it wasn’t about ‘me’ anymore”. Depending on your disposition, this could be great or it could be really bad. I’ve definitely changed for the better over the course of being a parent.
No, not really.
Also not the same as being the cool uncle/aunt, though that can give you a lightweight preview. I know because I went through this myself, I was so involved with my nephews I became their favorite uncle by far, and to this day they still remind me of this.
In reality, only being an actual parent can give you the true experience. Nothing else comes close.
The first couple of months were especially hard as they don't have much of a personality, don't really react much to the world around them, they're just feeding, sleeping, and growing. Starting at the beginning of the third month for me it started changing and every baby is kind of unique.
I now _detest_ most of the books/articles/child-rearing advice I've encountered. Most of all of their content is fluff to pad pages, a blog roll, and are frequently superseded by more modern research backed evidence. There is a lot of toxic advice in those books and systems as well, usually for parents that are prioritizing restoring their prior social lives over the well-being of their children.
It's time-consuming and exhausting, but I haven't found it to be _hard_ yet. Waking up in the middle of the night and giving your kid a hug and maybe reading to them a bit when they have a nightmare isn't a challenging task. The challenging tasks are exceptions (surprise medical issues, your daycare closing down with two days notice, etc). The baby and child industry put a cost premium on the clothes targeting them and they don't last very long due to the child's growth. I _saw_ this coming but not to the extreme it has actually manifested and you'll find it replicated in every child/baby sized item.
There are a lot of surprising upsides and my motivations have definitely changed since we had a kid. I will flip a mountain to see my kid smile and laugh, it hits deep. I enjoy spending time with her and I'm terrified of missing her achievements and milestones. When she comes to me and asks me to show her how something works, wants a book read to her, or just wants a hive five I get a double whammy of that serotonin once for being a Dad that she wants to engage with and once for getting to spend time with her.
I still, and unfortunately kind of frequently, miss what I have effectively sacrificed to have her. I am slower at staying on top of emerging trends, hobbies have been left by the wayside that I did for decades, I gave up running conferences and with it I drifted away from whole treasured social groups. None of this was really a surprise, but I didn't realize how much what I gave up was really part of who I was.
Not sure what the solution is other than putting in some deliberate effort to maintain those relationships (which I didn't do).
> It's time-consuming and exhausting, but I haven't found it to be _hard_ yet.
I think this is exactly what people mean when they say "hard": time-consuming and exhausting, not hard as in "I cannot figure this out". Usually you figure it out as you go.
This is excluding children with serious health problems, etc. I'm thankful I won the lottery in this regard, I know some situations can destroy families.
> I still, and unfortunately kind of frequently, miss what I have effectively sacrificed to have her. I am slower at staying on top of emerging trends, hobbies have been left by the wayside
Also rings true for me. Especially my hobbies, I barely have time for them now; and when she grows up who knows whether I'll be able to resume them. But in my case, this is balanced by this thought: would I be happier if I had more time for my hobbies, but she wasn't in my life. And the answer is very clearly that I prefer her to be in my life 1000000%, and if I cannot do my hobbies all that often that's an acceptable loss.
Hard to put in words. And yes, you will feel like "WTF why did I do this" at times. A lot of people have parents who will remind them that they could have had an easy life instead. I try not say that even though I think it too.
I could sell you some fluff about being part of a continuity or the reward it brings, but it's post hoc rationalisation.
It is such an extreme social taboo to admit you regret having your children that even if you find someone that does you would never know.
But I think most parents, in reasonable socioeconomic conditions, don't regret having children.
It's expensive, and labor intensive, and full of decisions that are damnably hard because there's no "right" answer. It's a cult. It's a genetic imperative. It's also amazing.
You will not necessarily experience a tangible personal benefit - it's not an investment with a return. It's a "pour your love into this thing and get love back" kinda deal.