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Comment by xyzelement | Hacker News Reader

In your comment and the ones responding to you there's an assumption that your partner's behavior is the bigger problem compared to your reaction to it.

In my experience I've generally fucked things up precisely because my reaction was worse and inappropriate compared to what the partner did.

I think I am "lucky" in that my wife is amazing and I don't have to be on-guard again truly malicious and inappropriate behavior from her, so I have the "luxury" of focusing on controlling my own emotions and responses.

But then - WTF! How are people in relationships with people that you have to be so on-guard against?

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That's the point.

The grandparent said Rocket doesn't slip into despair, not tries not to slip.

That's unrealistic and tracks with toxic positivity. If everyone had the muscle to process their initial and secondary emotions in a calm manner, then airport bookshelves would be empty.

You even ask how people can get swept in such situations when the pathologies for trauma bonds and "s/he beats me because they love me" are pretty clear.

I agree with you on everything except I don't understand why you are labeling the healthy alternative "toxic".

I don't think I am.

I made a distinction between people who have the self-esteem muscle (healthy) and those who subscribe to unsustainable, toxic positivity (unhealthy).

Because they formed partnerships when they were young and didn't know any better. And then once things get going, it seems better to "go along to get along" than face the difficulty of change.

In the US, we also have ideologies that say that one partner is supposed to be subservient to the other based on gender roles, and that makes things even more insane.

It is a trade-off. The benefits seems to outweigh the downsides, but it can still be painful. But we can try to alleviate the problems by using our rational mind.

I am not sure about either of these things. The typical HN person doesn't seem to be someone who partnered young or was raised in anything like a "traditional US ideology"...

It mainly seems like their parents failed to pass on any cultural wisdom. Go along to get along is fine, very different than your "partner" severely transgressing upon you.

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