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Comment by david-gpu | Hacker News Reader

Without proper statistics we can't know. But I do wonder why is it that if you spend any time on parenting websites you find lots of mothers complaining about deadbeat husbands, and so few fathers complaining about deadbeat wives. Purely anecdotal, but it is very lopsided, and it has made me wonder why is it.

I am a dad, FWIW.

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I'm a dad, too. The lopsidedness could come from many places: mothers being drawn to parenting websites (marketing), women feeling more compelled to voice complaints online (if they are stay-at-home-moms, they don't have coworkers to chat with), women actually getting treated unfairly (very true... patriarchy), etc.

I've heard this from many moms, "My husband does so little in terms of housework, childcare, play and mental load, that it is actually easier when he is out of the house; when he is home, I essentially have to take care of an additional child." I even know some moms that organize playdates for their husband, as in ONLY the husbands, so that that the husbands are out of the house.

On the other hand, I know of two separate marriages that fell apart because the husband worked, did all the child care and housework, while the mom stayed home and doomscrolled. After a few years of no improvement, divorce. Of course many things could be at play here... screen addiction, post-partum depression, etc.

Raising kids is complex, time-consuming, hard, and amazing. It takes a lot of energy, people, and love. I always try to assume people are doing their best, though sometimes even that's tough.

You can see why men don't share often. The women get excuses (addiction, post partum, etc) and it's naturally assumed that men are dead beats. Probably not your intention but as one of those divorced dads I can tell you the bias is overwhelming.

It depends on the site but when I was a SAHD, I found many of those parenting sites were not welcoming to dads, even dads doing the exact same work as the moms. Moms there wanted a place to vent about their husbands and men who were pulling their fair share or were handling most of the parent duties simply weren't allowed.

This, it's well known that women want to vent and men want to fix the issue. This difference in communication and perspective has been supported in various research.

That is your bias talking.

The reseach says otherwise. https://couplestherapyinc.com/why-women-complain-and-why-men...

Research is of course useful but not even necessary here. This is common sense.

Yeah, seriously. Anyone with some experience in life understands that men and women are (on average) wired very differently, and this is one of the ways.

one of the better places I found found was Daddit on reddit, though I haven't been in a while.

I found that /r/daddit was full of pictures of dads with infants.

On the other hand, /r/parenting was full of moms desperate because their partners didn't to their part.

It really paints a picture, if you think about it.

It seems like a safe guess that very few of the moms complaining about their partners on r/parenting are also married to the dads who are posting on r/daddit.

It's like how /r/steak is just dudes posting steak pictures, and there is some new cooking sub where it's just women posting food pictures and complaining about their significant others. Women be complaining.

> there is some new cooking sub where it's just women posting food pictures and complaining about their significant others

If you are referring to /r/girldinnerdiaries, that is not a cooking sub, nor is it intended to be. The whole point is pairing a photo of dinner with the situation and mood of the photographer.

It's right there in the name: Girl Dinner Diaries.

I'm not sure how serious you are about the dismissive "women be complaining" comment. A big part of your perception may be that women have more to 'complain' about; society is measurably unfair for women. Another part could be that when women voice their struggles it is called "complaining," and when men voice their struggles they are "being serious." Also, men get shot down for showing vulnerability and seeking support, so their struggles are internal. And this isn't always good for mental health.

My comment was descriptive, not normative. I’m not ascribing moral valence to it, just stating what’s happening and speculating why. For example, men probably complain less because men get shot down for showing vulnerability in public settings like online forums. Women probably complain more in public because they get sympathy. Whether one is good, or one is more mentally healthy, I don’t think either is healthier or unhealthier, but I don’t particularly care.

Being a deadbeat is defined as not paying. It's not about caregiving. These roles may not be equally distributed by gender, but then why is there not as much complaining by men about women not being equal partners financially? It's has to do with bias.

You can also find that much of the research about household duties is biased against the type of work that men have traditionally done (eg excluding yard work, maintenance, etc).

> Being a deadbeat is defined as not paying. It's not about caregiving

Merriam-Webster disagrees [0][1][2].

[0] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/deadbeat

[1] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/loafer

[2] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/idler

Re. your other points, I don't entirely disagree with them, but they are at best tangential to the article we are discussing.

> But I do wonder why is it that if you spend any time on parenting websites you find lots of mothers complaining about deadbeat husbands, and so few fathers complaining about deadbeat wives.

My ex wife does this. I take my issues with her to a therapist (instead of online forums). FWIW I have always been more present than her in our child’s life and certainly pay a lot more too. One data point, but it’s in the population you’re referring to.

Some people want sympathy at the expense of their partner’s reputation.

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