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pino83

One thing that I've learned from my friends in the last 10 years:

You can either have deep friendships XOR children.

All of them are either still without children, or are by no means valuable friends anymore.

Sorry, but that's just how it is.

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For me, kids have had a “filtering” effect. Where previously I had a lot of friends (including shallow ones), having less time and being less flexible in general compressed my circle of friends to just a few people with whom I share both a deeper connection and a mutual understanding that the pressures of life sometimes get between us, and that’s ok. And as another commenter mentioned, kids do grow older…

You might confirm or not. As far as I observe it, the "deeper connection" is virtually always with other parents. And this is exactly the connection. Without children, it's neither possible nor attractive to be one of these persons.

It’s true for me, and probably for most parents, that connecting with other parents via the shared experience of haing kids is easy: there’s always something to talk about. But I also find that for me, both parties having kids is simply not enough for it to click! I knew my close friends from before I had kids, the connection was already there.

I agree that making new friends across the “kids barrier” is hard. You just live in different worlds.

We've become really close friends with a couple of families on our block. It definitely helps that we all have kids the same age, but a big reason for this is that our kids entertain each other, freeing the adults (most of the time) to interact with each other.

I also sing in a small choir that is as much a friend group as it is a music ensemble. Most of us have kids, but not everyone; while I can't speak for those in the group without kids, I think one reason it works so well is because none of us have parenting responsibilities while we're together as a choir (we joke that rehearsals are a great time for us to escape from our families).

If it helps, I've found hosting a pizza night to be a really easy way to have some good hang time with friends. I make the pizza and it's good enough to be free dinner for them. The kids get to participate by customizing their pies. We all catch up for an hour or two in the kitchen, watching me scramble and make a mess. If somebody brings over a bottle of wine, even better.

Yes, I'm sure that works. It's just not my cup of tea. Instead of doing that, I could just watch TV. And I'm really not a TV enthusiast.

>Instead of doing that, I could just watch TV.

That's not really a single vs. married divide there. That's just how you prioritize your energy in life.

Parents by necessity need to prioritize their kid. Hard to relate when you're single. So I understand why parents seek out other parents; they have a common talking point built in for an icebreaker.

At the same time, that very much is cultural. We think we need to raise children alone, and that's very much not the case in many societies. Good friends (even single) would be part of the family and help out with looking after or playing with the kids. Basically an uncle/aunt.

Hang in there. As the kids get older, "XOR" can turn into "WITH".

Parents want to hang out with other parents.

Disappointing somebody has seen fit to "drive-by" downvote your post that simply describes your truthful personal observations.

Presumably they don't want to engage in discussion, which is precisely what this topic is about!

Well, quite often I think this way but resist to say so. This time it's even more obvious, though: They all know that I'm right. Everybody knows. That's not the point why they downvote.

Or perhaps people down voted because absolute statements on social relationships are often not absolute at all. Or maybe they even have a personal experience that is contrary to your statement. I say this as a childless person whose closest friend has a child and a significant other whose two closest friends have children. And yes, I would describe all those friendships as deep.

Yes, let's agree it all depends on the definition of a deep friendship, I'd say.

If your definition includes regularly spending time together with your friend, not as appendix to her/his family, but with activities that connect you and your friend (e.g. with activities that you had before). With your friend focus on you then, instead of constantly being involved in other things. Ideally without the constant need to plan it months in advance.

As far as I've seen it, parents are usually far away from that. In terms of possibility, and also in terms of mindset. At some point in time, they seem to completely lose the understanding of what all these words could even mean.

It might work better if you have a more abstract or otherwise different definition. Yes.

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