Comment by kapep | Hacker News Reader

Comment by kapep | Hacker News Reader

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A data point, though my situation is not even about weight: I used to be skinny fat in my mid-twenties until mid-thirties - so basically still kind of slim but some belly fat and not much muscles. Kind of average, unremarkable.

After a breakup I started being more active again, I went bouldering once a week and gradually got into shape and then really athletic after about 2 years when I started going twice a week. My total weight didn't change at all. I dress just as good as before and have the same overall style. Of course most clothes simply look better on me, now that I'm more in shape. Same good job that I still like. I do go out a bit more. But overall I would say I really didn't change anything except getting more attractive from putting on muscles and losing fat.

It made a hell of a difference for dating. Before I felt mostly invisible but since then got approached in bars all the time, which rarely happened before. After some time I got way more confident - but when this stated I sure wasn't yet. Some woman even told me into the face that I lacked confidence after they approached me and realized I don't have the personality and/or confidence matching my appearance. They certainly only approached me because of my appearance.

The people only loosing weight are probably held back by other things. If they changed everything but their weight they likely wouldn't have more success either. I would say I had most things figured out already before and It seems I was held back only by having an average build. Just getting fit absolutely made the difference for me.

> Before I felt mostly invisible but since then got approached in bars all the time, which rarely happened before.

Physical attractiveness is extremely relevant in the context of cold approaches in a dating environment. I won’t disagree with you there.

However getting approached at bars is very different than working with someone in an office setting or having your papers graded in a university setting.

Its pretty much all that matters when we reduced dating to a profile pic and a swipe. You don't get to show off confidence or hobbies or way of life 99% of the time. Just a few seconds and a picture. The rest comes later.

>getting approached at bars is very different than working with someone in an office setting or having your papers graded in a university setting.

I wonder if thats changed, too. School is probably similar, but there's an increasing notion of "don't shit where you eat" that makes office romance difficult. I'm sure people will notice, but they may not want to approach otherwise.

> Its pretty much all that matters when we reduced dating to a profile pic and a swipe

You can also list your job, that matters a lot more than your profile picture if you are a man, doctors easily get dates etc.

Sadly, listing "game developer" or "programmer" tends to have the opposite effect. We aren't "prestigous" enough to be carried by our jobs (despite making decent money), and we still get a lot of that old school "nerd" persona to boot.

I'd have better luck pretending to be an artist, despite my modeling skills being barely above "Hello World".

>After a breakup I started being more active again...

Was it the changes or the breakup itself? Most men don't get "good" at dating until they become a certain amount of jaded. Hence the stereotypical freshly divorced man mopping the floor with the dating pool. The changes sure wouldn't have hurt, but still.

Is there a stereotype about newly divorced men being really good at dating?

If anything I thought it was the opposite.

Divorced men have an easier time finding dates, yes.

> If anything I thought it was the opposite.

Think of it in another context, who do you think have an easier time getting a job, a guy with 10 years of experience that currently doesn't have a job or a guy that never had a job? It is possible the guy with 10 years of experience got fired for a good reason, but on average most people want the guy with experience.

Men don't evaluate women for the same things, so it can be a bit hard to understand, but it makes perfect sense once you understand it. Rather it is weird that men don't value women with experience the way women do with men.

The breakup after years of relationship certainly was a big change in my live. I broke up but I don't think that made me jaded. I get what you mean though, I would say I got a bit more jaded after getting more confidence and that helps now. But that was long after I noticed increasing interest from women.

Sounds like a body recomp- well done!

Edit: no idea why downvoted but it refers to staying roughly the same weight while building muscle and reducing fat. And having tried it, it’s hard! I stand by my “well done”

Thanks! I really feel I had it easier than most though because of genetics I guess. I see others train much harder for less results. I didn't even change my diet much except shifting to a lot more protein-rich food. I have lots of respect for people loosing a lot weight and having to work way harder than me for it.

If I were to guess I imagine the downvotes are due to the use of an upvote being preferred over (albeit it well intentioned) comments of "well done" in HN threads (in order to keep signal to noise ratio high)

I never understood that. The presence of simple comments loke "Nice!" or "I agree" are really rare anyways, and I don't find it difficult to scroll past them like I would with any other comment whose first few sentences I don't find salient

Fair, I mostly was thinking it would be nice to give people who want to try it themselves the term that’s most often used.

It’s hard - you have to eat around maintenance level calories but you also need to make a high percentage of them protein and also keep enough carbs that you don’t bonk if you’re doing any cardio (I like jump rope myself). Just cutting or bulking gives a little more flexibility.

Makes sense and it's a new term for me so thanks for sharing :)

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