Comment by e40 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by e40 | Hacker News Reader

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Never argue in front of the kids

You know, I have some experience with this. I had a friend in college that had parents that never once argued in front of him. Not once. This guy was completely unable to resolve any conflicts. You know what? People learn conflict resolution by watching others, and that goes for kids.

To give more details about my friend, he was a really nice guy, but he avoided confrontation like the plague. The problem is, you can only avoid it for so long. When he finally did get into it with anyone, he would literally start to fall apart. It drove him to drink and eventually most of his relationships fell apart and he became a binge drinker/alcoholic. He ended up dropping out of school and disappeared from the face of the earth. He drunk dialed me years later and left a message on my answering machine (without any details about where he was). A very, very sad situation.

I'm not saying everyone will react like this, but that watching an argument be properly resolved is a good thing for a kid to see.

If you argue in front of your kids, in a way that respects each other and eventually comes to a fair and agreeable result, then your kid will learn valuable conflict resolution skills. On the other hand, if you shout at each other in front of the kids until one of you throws their hands in the air and stomps off, and nothing is resolved and everyone is angry, then your kid will only learn the fine art of temper tantrums. And, as you say, if you do nothing in front of your kids, they will be utterly unequipped to do anything.

As my wrestling coach used to say, practice doesn't make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect. The same holds true for kids and their acquiring habits from their parents: they will pick up the habits you demonstrate in front of them, for better or worse.

Also, this sort of stuff is exactly why I am absolutely terrified of having kids.

I wish I could join this comment and the parent comment at the hip. It is exactly right that your kids learn how to resolve conflicts by the way their parents resolve conflicts. This is one of the benefits of not living in a single parent household.

I liked the list in the article, it summarizes to communicate authentically. But it took me probably the first 15 years of my marriage before I understood the ramifications of that.

My parents argued badly, as well. Sometimes, not always, you can learn from watching someone do something badly. I like to think I didn't (and don't) make the same mistakes my parents made.

Also, this sort of stuff is exactly why I am absolutely terrified of having kids.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I had the same feeling when I was in my 20's. I gradually lost it, because I realized over time that kids are pretty resilient and it's not that hard to do the right thing. I don't regret it at all.

> People learn conflict resolution by watching others, and that goes for kids.

As someone that grew up watching my parents fight constantly in front of me, I still react to confrontation the same way as your friend. Their fighting frightened me because he was physical, so when I get into [really] overheated situations, I shut down instead because that seems safer to me than risking pressing forward.

In situations where I saw friends' parents fight, it was awkward and equally unsettling.

> Their fighting frightened me because he was physical

Arguing and abuse are two separate things. Watching my parents fight, often over incredibly stupid things using irrational tactics, taught me worlds about the values of patience, understanding, and rationality.

I just don't think this is universal. Even if he didn't hit her, their issues were always unresolved and their situation never got better, even after counseling.

It's anecdotal at best. Not only it can't be generalized, at different ages the outcome may be a lot different. Kids need a certain level of maturity to understand properly conflicts and learn conflict resolution otherwise they simply feel them as a crack in their world. There are not fast and hard rules here, every kid/situation may be quite different...

Agreed completely. Great writeup on that topic (which was posted here a while back)

http://www.figarospeech.com/teach-a-kid-to-argue/

Well that went downhill rather quickly. That really sucks for your friend, but do you really think this would apply in every situation? On the opposite side of this you also find people having some social issues as well. Finding the happy "medium" is anyones guess.

fwiw, my parents NEVER argued in front of me and my 3 siblings[1], but I'm confrontational to a fault. I suppose the only difference could be that I had 3 siblings, and my parents took a "let them workout their own fights" approach which, with 3 siblings (all within 7 years of each other), will teach you how to deal with confrontation real fast.

[1]the one time we ever saw them fight, it was about the dishes, and the 4 of us kids were all so distraught about it we went into a corner and cried together while they fought. I remember it vividly.

This is really insightful. My parents never (knowingly) argued in front of me either (a few times I heard angry voices in the other room). And when I was younger I definitely avoided confrontation. Hmmm...

Fwiw, my parents argued in front of me all the time, and I also avoided confrontation when I was younger. I think there's a spectrum, and it's important to teach kids how to deal with confrontation productively.

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