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Comment by wilfra | Hacker News Reader

You can be too kind. Grinfucking people is doing them a disservice.

"Doing them a disservice" is by definition not kind, I think.

Note that the phrase isn't "you can never be too flattering."

This interpretation does make it a very vague instruction ("okay, so what's the 'kind' thing to say when someone shows me a project I think is poorly done?"), but it's pretty damned obvious to anyone but the most stubbornly obnoxious that the kindest thing is never "rip it to shreds with cutting sarcasm and mockery".

By extension: seeking the kindest way you can respond means thinking hard about what response will be most helpful and supportive of them. That might mean being supporting but giving them strong nudges towards working directly with potential customers... but regardless, it's about having a conversation that you can exit on friendly terms.

It's certainly possible to do even when you have important negative feedback to offer.

Yes but there's a difference between giving useful constructive criticism and just being a jerk.

I am starting to believe that there are some people who will never be able to tell the difference.

Good point. Best to be one-sided and myopic than risk being too kind!

Best to be honest and direct with your feedback than worry about whether or not you are going to bruise the delicate ego of whomever you are giving the feedback to.

No that doesn't excuse being a dick but if I have the choice of getting honest but harsh criticism of something I've built versus somebody grinfucking me, I'll take the harsh criticism every single time.

Honesty comes first, definitely agree. I don't think that was ever questioned. What was questioned was delivery. Delivery is important because it overcomes the innate skepticism of many people (which can also have emotional and professional ramifications). Honesty and delivery are orthogonal concerns.

Also, the article is about giving feedback, not taking it. The fact that you prefer to take harsh/honest criticism rather than overly-friendly/dishonest feedback is irrelevant (and is also a false dichotomy). You appear to state this to refute any a need to be concerned with delivery at all; your personal preference doesn't change the reality for the rest of society.

So, regarding giving feedback, if your objective is to improve the recipient's chances of success, it behooves you to communicate your (honest) feedback in a way that reduces as much distrust as possible. Techniques for this are given in the article.

But again, I agree, honesty underpins all of this.

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