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Comment by beedeebeedee | Hacker News Reader

Ehhh- if these men really wanted companionship, they could find it. It only takes a little social courage, and accepting others (as they wish to be accepted). They are not being canceled because they don’t play by women’s rules.

The fact is, these men are deeply confused and push away as they pull in.

My suggestion would be to lean into monasticism and not just use the term ‘monk’ as a euphemism for not having female relationships. I don’t think anyone should be a monk long-term, but use it as a transitional period to examine and explore why they are so confused and come to terms with it.

Blaming women for their problems just makes it intractable because their problem is within themselves

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> Ehhh- if these men really wanted companionship, they could find it. It only takes a little social courage, and accepting others (as they wish to be accepted). They are not being canceled because they don’t play by women’s rules.

I know at least one guy who refuses to "settle" for anything but his ideal woman - and frankly, that ideal woman is out of his reach, mostly but not entirely due to his personality.

So yes - men could absolutely find companionship. But a lot of them refuse to accept anything that's not a supermodel whose day consists of administering on-demand blowjobs.

This is a severe oversimplification of young men (and women).

There's no way you could possibly know what this "one guy" wants. What a person finds ideal is going to be way more complicated than they can communicate in a few words. There's absolutely nothing wrong with chasing it. The refinement of that ideal is precisely what it means to have a relationship.

The real "problem" is that some people have a hard time seeing the potential when they're young because it takes a lifetime of experience. Instead of committing and working with what they've got, they just find another person until their ideal has been shaped by enough experience.

Long term monogamy can definitely be just as unhealthy and foolish. Most of those kinds of people jump into the deep end too early and overestimate their abilities and knowledge. Depending on how stubborn and egotistical they are they may double down and create a huge mess for themselves. They're lucky if their partner is forgiving, but make no mistake that's suffering not love. Either way everyone ends up knowing the same things.

I don't understand why these debates keep coming up on the internet since even our great grandparents could have said every word I just did. Old news.

> There's no way you could possibly know what this "one guy" wants.

What do you mean? He used to be a good friend. We've literally talked about this. He's talked about it with other people, including women, and the rest of the friend group has also discussed this. It was more than "a few words".

I mean, in one sense we can never truly know what's going on inside someone's head, but unless we just take the slide down to solipsism, that doesn't really get us anywhere.

> I don't understand why these debates keep coming up on the internet since even our great grandparents could have said every word I just did. Old news.

Our grandparents lived in vastly different times. Yes, the huge choice of dating partners in the modern world is a detriment, but it's better than living in a small town and knowing that you have two people you could potentially marry, or stay a bachelor (which isn't a choice often granted to women.) One grandparent in my family literally married a man to escape her abusive family; her love for him was strongly shaped by the fact that he was the only man in her life who didn't beat her, and offered to take her out of the situation by joining the military.

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