`if` is not a function. http://www.haskell.org/haskellwiki/If-then-else#Replace_synt...
Functional `if` and `cond` are here: http://hackage.haskell.org/packages/archive/cond/0.4.0.1/doc...
Functional `if` and `cond` are here: http://hackage.haskell.org/packages/archive/cond/0.4.0.1/doc...
And the cond you wanted has already been here for you.