I've failed to do this twice. Nobody else said or did anything, but I regretted it.
Sometimes in life you just have to do stuff, even if you hate it.
These things also have a tendency to become easier the more you do it, so advising people to just not do it seems horrible advice.
Not showing up to a funeral of someone you were close to just because of your own discomfort is plain weird.
Your presence at the funeral, while symbolic (some might even say empty symbolism) is a way of showing the mourners that the deceased was cared for by many. It is comforting to some extent.
But of course, if funerals are too difficult, there are other ways to accomplish the same thing.
1 - Actively dislike the family
Sure, skip the funeral. If you & the family didn't get along in life there's no reason to put yourself through something you don't want to go to.
2 - Anything else
I'd go as a show of support for the family because the family was important to my friend. "It's what my friend would want" is the guiding principle here.
That said - I'm writing this as someone who was very uncomfortable going to funerals and now, years later, I regret choosing to stay home rather than go.
Your mileage may vary, as they say.
In the end... whatever. There are a lot of things that go into being a decent human being.
At the very least, I'm sure we'd agree on the big picture: the sum of how we care for our friends when they're alive is more important than what we do on the day of their funeral. So if you're being a good friend in other ways... hey, good on you.
Your friend almost certainly loved their family, and their family loved your friend. Although they may be gone, you can still keep that connective love alive by doing the same things for others that you’d do for your friend - sometimes, it’s as simple as showing up, even just once, for someone else.
Do you really have to fake that?
Sometimes.
Not for funerals of people you knew well.
Before, it was just "being selfish and anti-social." Now, the same thing is called "setting healthy boundaries for myself."
A good test of the boundary-setter's true nature is whether or not they find alternative means of doing the thing or if they are just claiming "but muh boundaries!" to excuse their lack of being a decent human being.
If their "boundaries" prevent them from showing up at a funeral to provide a moment of comfort to the survivors of the deceased... well okay. There could be valid reasons. Suppose funerals tend to induce suicidal ideation in an individual. Certainly nobody would suggest that individual should risk a suicidal episode.
But, is the person finding an alternative way to show that care? Flowers, letters, a visit at some other time? Or are they just narcissisticly using it as an excuse to avoid spending time for the benefit of anybody other than themselves?
Or, why would I put food on the table for the slowest gazelle?
I'd disagree with this - capitalism tends to reward defection from this norm, and it's been a stable equilibrium for centuries at this point. You have more of a point when it comes to community, but even many intentional communities are massively hypocritical when it comes to this, with higher-status people having the ability to deviate from norms at will.
helpful reading: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gemeinschaft_and_Gesellschaft
This isn't how death works
A funeral is not 'some event' that you can just skip for your own benefit. That's not what it's about.
“It's just tons of sad people.” - this makes you sound like you have the emotional acuity of a 4 year old. You can fix that, but you can’t do it sitting in front of your computer.
The guest of honor won’t notice, I promise.
If the other (living) attendees have a problem with it, it’s at least 51% a them problem, IMO.
My wife and I make our kids do uncomfortable things because that’s what separates children from adults. An example, and not even the hardest one: Yesterday we were vacationing at the beach and we got a call from the dog boarding facility keeping our 8 year old dog, she was having seizures and had to be taken to an animal hospital. We drove 3 hours to see her. There was lots of crying, in front of everyone - who gives a shit. We had to have her euthanized. The 4 of us stayed with her for the entire process. We could have just told them to put her down over the phone and continued our vacation, or we could have left the room as they ended her life. She wasn’t conscious and we have no way of knowing if she was aware of our presence, but if something/someone makes an impact on your life, learn to be a little unselfish and be present. It hurts, but just because something hurts doesn’t mean we should shy away from doing it.
Learning to steel yourself is an important life skill. Obviously a dog is not a human, but the parallels are there - as humans we have honored the end of a impactful life throughout our history.
Not attending rightfully costs you a lot, even if you're lacking the social skills to perceive it
These people, the real guests of honour, will remember your absence for the rest of their lives.
Life can be painful, and comfort, solace, and community are really nice when you're on the downswing instead of the upswing, which happens to all of us if you're strong enough to live that long.
I understand it can be emotionally challenging, but arguably that expression of grief is what provides meaning to attending a funeral. Furthermore, if you don't attend a close friend's funeral, don't expect him or her to attend yours.
Well, regardless if you attend your friend's funeral or not, you can be sure he or she will not attend yours.
I’d instead recommend asking your friend (though again, this advice may be culturally dependent). Be sure they know it’s about you supporting them.
I remember when a family member died and only one classmate asked me if I wanted them to come to the funeral. I refused but remember the gesture to this day. It’s about the only thing I remember about the person. I also remember a couple of other friends to whom I was closer not asking me, and that stuck with me because they both disliked and badmouthed (I don’t really know why, I avoided dumb drama) the original person. That made me rethink a lot of things.
Anyway, I guess the point is to think of what your friend would like and make sure they understand you’re there for them.