>>I live by myself in a remote mountain cave
= I live in California, and the nearest Starbucks is more than 20 miles away.
>>can only be contacted during a full moon
= As a night person, I am awake when the streetlight outside my house turns on.
>>certain arcane rites that are too horrible to speak of
= In order to contact me, you must install Microsoft Teams.
Overall, it's not that bad, except for the MS team thing. ;)