Comment by allenu | Hacker News Reader

Comment by allenu | Hacker News Reader

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Oh, I have tried that strategy and it's usually met with lack of interest, which to me is a sign maybe I don't have much in common with them anymore.

I can recall one conversation where I was doing a lot of asking in a phone conversation with a friend and he was talking for maybe an hour about what was new in his life and there was a natural break and I realized I didn't really talk too much about myself and so I did, and the conversation just died. He didn't ask more questions or show a lot of interest in what I was saying. I don't think it's always different communication styles.

To me, a good conversation, and not one where you're just exchanging information for some utilitarian purpose, is a back and forth where you share stories, ask for details, show interest, and really connect. It's not just a "I'll talk for a bit and when I'm done, you talk for a bit". I've been in those types of conversations too and often I afterwards feel like I didn't really connect with another person. I just used them to share something I found interesting and they did the same to me. I didn't really gain insight into who they are.

Of course not every conversation has to be a deep connection, but in the context of dating (as in at the start of the article), that's got to be your primary goal.

For sure, sometimes it's not the conversational style, there's just a genuine lack of interest.

And yes, during a topic you're obviously asking for details and showing interest.

But it's more the in-between topics that I'm referring to. To me, a good conversation is when the other person just naturally builds -- "OMG, that reminds me of" or "let me tell you about when" or "funny you say that, in my own family...".

I find the most awkward conversations to be the ones where there's silence and then someone feels compelled to ask a forced question. "So, uh, do you have any siblings?" "So how long have you been at your job?" "Do you like living in the city?"

But that's my point -- in my experience, a good conversation is when both people are constantly jumping in. Nobody has to "wait for a question", or wait to be asked to talk. People just talk, because the interest is obvious.

To me, the best start to a conversation isn't "so, how was your day?", but rather, "you would not believe what happened to me today!" or "OMG I'm ready to murder my boss."

Right. I always figured I was a poor conversationalist, because I'm fairly quiet and sometimes don't know what to say. But since reading online about the difficulties people have with conversation, especially in a dating context, I feel like a master at it.

Sometimes it doesn't work well, but when it's working, it just flows, and no one really asks a question in that interview way. Adam says something about work, and that prompts Betty to relate a story about school, which makes Adam think of a friend who did a funny thing, etc. A few hours later, you notice the waiter would really like you to pay the check and get out.

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