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Yeah database backups are just too hard for a multi billion dollar corporation to handle.

Why solid gold? It would be way too ductile, heavy, and conduct far too much heat.

Diamond might actually be better: low surface energy means a low coefficient of friction, so it would be much easier to clean. It would still suck the heat right out of your cheeks, though.

Realistically, porcelain or other ceramics are probably the ideal material.

Or plastic, backed by electric heating!

https://www.totousa.com/washlet

As I recall, the Guggenheim offered theirs for loan to the White House a few years back…

https://www.guggenheim.org/exhibition/maurizio-cattelan-amer...

You sound sarcastic. It's not too much to ask to have all actions reversible in 2021.