This is what despair looks like. I am not judging - I am from Eastern Europe, and I grew up in a country still occupied by Russians. Knowing that no matter what good I do, my life might be destroyed by Russia makes me feel all kinds of feelings too. It's hard to find solace, but one thing that helps me is that there is always a choice. They can destroy my life, but it is up to me whether I choose not to be like them. We all die sooner or later, but if I spend my life on the right side of the eternal fight between good and evil, I still win. I know I am not original, and I am probably not explaining it well, but it gives me a bit of tranquility. I hope it will help you too.