I found an point-of-sale minipc with a very nice integrated touchscreen (Pipo X10). As I kept getting unrecognized usb device on a usb-serial adapter I entered bios and played with a few usb-related bios settings. Save & Exit and I discovered I just disabled ALL my usb ports with no way to reset the bios or any other available port to plug an input device into.

So yeah, the CMOS battery not clearing the bios + my own stupidity cost me ~150$.