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Comment by mynameishere | Hacker News Reader

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Don't you think he doesn't know that? Pro-tip for you: when someone mentions the pain of losing their companion, do not give them pro-tips.

tbf to GP, in some cultures dogs are abhorred.

I have lost both a daughter and a dog.

I believe your intentions here are good, but I don't recommend trying to rank various types of grief.

Past a certain threshold, all kinds are both the same and incomparable.

Stay strong.

> Life pro-tip: In your day-to-day human encounters, if someone mentions the pain of losing a child, do not bring up your dead dog.

Witnessing a cherished part of your life die, while you do not and can do nothing about it, is a uniquely powerless experience. Because, while you continue to live, a part of you dies.

If a person can empathize with this experience in a genuine way, what matter is it their loss?

How about we don't gatekeep or make a contest out of suffering, which is a subjective experience?

You're effectively invoking Ring Theory - https://speakinggrief.org/get-better-at-grief/supporting-gri... - which I think is a strong foundation for navigating grief and distress.

But I don't think it's a valid criticism here because OP actively calls out they trying to find the most appropriate path for empathy ("support in") while deliberately not equating the two experiences of grief (avoiding "complain in").

How can someone be around since 2007 and act like this ?

I think this scolding behaviour is really out of place. The guy is saying "a much lesser loss caused me great hurt; I sympathize with your much greater loss and the hurt you must feel". People do this all the time normally, and secondarily humans have imprecisely expressed feelings all the time and the spirit has usually undone any harm that the worst interpretation of the words could do. But at some point in the early 2010s this scolding behaviour started getting really popular. I wonder if some sociologist has traced its source. It's obviously nonsensical behaviour to me.

If someone did that in front of me I'd probably be compelled to say "Dude, now is not the time for this" or something like that but I can't imagine any person in my group behaving that way.

I’ve just had a very close and traumatic loss myself. I can assure you that in some cases, a poorly chosen comparison of grief can have the opposite of the intended effect.

It’s a tough one, because the grieving mind isn’t particularly rational. You have to be especially careful of things that would otherwise be completely fine.

Much of it comes down to wanting real empathy -regardless of where their understanding of loss comes from. What isn’t desired is any kind of equivocation or comparison. And that is so dependent on how the message is delivered.

And I’ve lost dogs too, that can be absolutely devastating, so intellectually I get it, but the point still stands.

Thanks for sharing that. I'd think that the slight lean towards the fact that we're here discussing loss rather than meeting at a funeral makes it different, but I'll vary my view slightly. It's not a comparison I'd ever make because to me pets are pets and animals are not human. So I'll alter my view to not call out a scold on this topic in future in response to your comment.

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