Beyond this very specific thing, I think its also a struggle with trusting myself. I don't trust myself to finish anything. I can try as hard as I want but my locus of control is completely external. I am tired of being lied to about agency and ability. If it was easy as putting effort in I'd be there already.
So I work harder and harder in an effort to MAYBE be enough for society / work etc and I am STILL not enough. How can you believe in yourself when you are the source of all failure, lack of consistency, inability to change or adapt. It's me. I'm the problem. I try to be better but at some point I am just masking who I am, which is a WHOLE other problem that is not mutually exclusive. It's another one of those "can't follow the issue because it's too complicated" problems that's destroying my life. Nobody undertands, everyone tells me I'm not alone (they are wrong) and nobdody has any reasonable or actionable suggestions because nobody I have talked to yet even remotely grasps what I am going through. My therapist is really the only person who gets it.
So many times I have tried to do the "right" thing only for it to backfire and make everything worse. It's textbook learned helplessness, but I also have a proverbial textbook of evidence to support my reasons why things won't work. Nobody will listen to me, and then when the thing I tell them won't work FAILS it's my fault for pointing out the laws of physics or nature. I am tired of being the scapegoat for sociopaths and Machiavellian cancer.
I accept that I need to accept failure. I am trying, but it's demoralizing and only seems to cause pain not growth. I can usually maintain optimism for a week or more but inevitably the reality of life creeps back in and I can't lie to myself any longer.
Edit: Just saw your other response. Now is certainly not the right time to push yourself, which is fine. Hope you'll get out of that hole soon, best of luck!
I’m speaking for myself of course, but maybe it’s not about accepting the failure itself, but accepting that failure or disappointment is a learning opportunity providing feedback. Failure is a strong term while in reality results are somewhere between success and failure, and recognizing it is not a binary. Usually there are successes and failures in a project with the key observation being what you as an individual can do to improve the environment (e.g. avoiding sociopathic, coworkers, Machiavellian corporate practices, poor work environments, etc). Anyway, I apologize if my attempt to understand is off the mark and wish you luck navigating to an endeavor where you can find more satisfaction.