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Comment by Trasmatta | Hacker News Reader

> Does anyone know what happened? I haven't seen it mentioned anywhere.

I haven't seen what happened either. Hopefully it's not inappropriate to bring up in this thread, but I've always found it curious how there seems to so often be a cultural expectation of secrecy when someone dies young, and some treat it as wrong to even wonder. I'm not sure why that is. Is this something specific to Western cultures, or is this worldwide?

It makes total sense to me to respect the family of the deceased and to not ever ask them for details, but I do find it interesting how often this happens. People are naturally going to wonder: it would make sense that there might even evolutionary pressure to be curious about how someone died. (With the disclaimer of "off the cuff musings about evolutionary psychology are probably usually wrong.")

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Well its been less than a week that the persons husband/father passed away unexpectedly. The sense of loss and tragedy is at an all time high. They already addressed the death with "Noah's passing was sudden and very fast. He did not suffer". I think its fair to assume that if they wanted to share more, they would have, and otherwise thats all they want to put out publicly at the moment.

When someone young dies, you can assume there is a higher level of tragedy and unexpectedness involved. And so in many ways its harder for loved ones to cope with. Its not really about not being allowed to ask, its about giving them time to grieve. And even then, imagine having to resurface the grieving just to satisfy morbid curiosity of strangers.

I do agree that bugging the family about it is never appropriate

> I'm not sure why that is.

Well, you explained it in your second paragraph; to respect the family, and the deceased themself. Some causes of death (suicide, overdose, etc.) come with a lot of private information about the individual that they might not have chosen to share.

Which is unfortunate, because all keeping it secret can do is lead to a lack of respect. We will all stand around and wonder, and whisper. There might even be rumors of suicide, when it was something completely unrelated.

I refuse to adhere to this ridiculous idea.

I don‘t speak for Noah’s family but can share from my experience.

I lost my wife suddenly and unexpectedly. The event was intensely traumatic for me and devastating for our extended family. One day, she and I were planning for the future. The next, I was left to raise our child by myself. In many ways, now several years later, I am still picking up the pieces.

In the days and weeks following her death, I did the work of making public announcements about her passing, funeral arrangements, collecting stories and photos to share with our son. I received many questions asking how she died.

While I appreciated the concern and believe it fair to be curious, I chose not to share details outside of our closest friends and family. The last thing I wanted to do was relive the experience. For me it was too painful.

Honestly, I could care less about the public perception. It has had no bearing on my grief and responsibility to our son and extended family. I have not spent one ounce of energy thinking about how my choice has affected others outside our closest friends and relatives—they are the only ones to whom I have ever felt any sense of obligation. I have no regrets about this.

As for Noah’s family, I respect their decision, whatever it may be, whether conscious or not. My heart goes out to them.

I consider almost all deaths of people I don't know personally as a Schrödinger's box of possibilities. There's usually no need to collapse them. Except in cases where it's obvious, such as extreme sport accidents, there's no way to know for sure. Even terminal patients could resort to assisted suicide, which is ambiguous; is that suicide, or dying from the disease? A cause of death stated by relatives could even be an outright lie.

"Lost battle with <disease>" could be used to refer to depression -> suicide. "Sudden [cardiovascular event]" or "died in their sleep" could be suicide or overdose. etc.

If your relatives believe so, they can choose to share the cause of death. But at the same time, if they choose not to, I think we should respect that.

I mean, I'm curious too. I think it's normal to be. But life goes on either way.

I read somewhere the family (It seemed) said "he died very quickly in no pain".

(Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/ruby/comments/1hmynb3/noah_gibbs_co...)

Yeah, that makes sense. I think it's always right for family's to choose not to share details, and I don't think it's ever appropriate for people to bug them for details.

I think what I wonder a little bit more about is why it's seen as inappropriate for people to just wonder what happened, even though I feel that's a natural human response, especially if they knew the person in some way (as long as that wondering doesn't move into boundary crossing).

I don't think it's the wondering people are turned off by, it's the wondering out loud. I'd imagine everybody wonders. I have no opinion, but people (around the globe) seem to feel strongly about this.

I think it’s very human to be curious about the cause, but it can also be inappropriate, though some ways are more harmful than others. I've seen people ask very direct questions where it seemed their real interest was to assess whether the cause posed a risk to themselves or was something they could avoid. While this reaction is natural, it is also prioritizing personal concerns over the needs of those grieving, who don't have the possibility of changing the circumstances.

Furthermore, such questions can sometimes come across—or even be—blameful. For instance, asking 'What cancer did they die of?', 'Were they a smoker?', 'Were they obese?', or 'Did they work with chemicals?' might suggest judgment or responsibility, even if that’s not the intent. And as mentioned, sometimes it actually IS the intent (trying to find a way the person caused this on themselves), even if the person asking tries to cloak this, perhaps also to themselves. This can add unnecessary pain to those grieving.

It's generally considered rude to gawk at other peoples' suffering, even if it is a normal and empathizable reaction. I think this gets even more acute the closer to the suffering the action gets. I doubt many people would be surprised that people are curious about what happened, though.

(FWIW I perceived your comment as "natural curiousity" moreso than gawking, thanks to your respectful hedging.)

> I feel that's a natural human response

I think not wanting to know unless the information is volunteered is also a natural human response.

I admit I wondered as well but I also know that most answers would be incomplete. So instead I watched a video of his. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPkJGU7Itb0

It's an awkward position to be in for the family of the deceased. They're already going through enough by griefing; if they'd rather not share, but are still constantly pestered about it by strangers, it's certainly not helping.

Privacy is a right of the living, not the dead.

The family still lives.

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