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Comment by seanhunter | Hacker News Reader

^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say.

My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this situation really sucks". We had a great conversation. He died. I'm really glad I went.

Fast forward a few years and my uncle (his dad) was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc. I said "you remember what happened last time. Just go." She went[1]. It was a good way to bring finality and say goodbye to her brother and she was really glad she went.

[1] I also went separately but that's slightly beside the point

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I so heartily agree - when my brother was dying I was at a loss to know what to say - we didn't share a lot of history as he 'joined' the family later in life - but just chatting rubbish helped him hugely.

Later a friend was dying and when she could no longer talk, I'd head out for a walk and just describe what I could see, what my plans were, and great things I remembered from our past - I wasn't able to visit, but her parents said she really enjoyed the voice notes she got - almost as much as the visitors.

But if you can see people, just do it. Not long ago my mum decided to try and visit a whole heap of friends across England, just as she realised after my dad died, that she never knew the last time she'd see these people - and wanted it to be occasions they both enjoyed, before too much time had passed. I loved the idea.

This is something the Lutherans seem to have figured out, and shows up in the culture of Lutheran heavy areas like northern midwestern towns: you don’t even have to talk, and you definitely don’t have to talk about the death, or invite the believed to do so.

Just show up. Help out if you can (bring food).

If they want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t they still had the option.

I watched Lars and the Real Girl with some people who grew up on the west coast. There’s a scene after a funeral where these two little old ladies come over, bring food, and just knit and occupy space, so he’s not alone. I said that’s the most midwestern thing I’ve ever seen in a Hollywood movie. And it still pretty much is.

Yea I think it’s a very Christian thing actually, visiting the sick is one of the works of mercy and all Christians are called to perform them regularly.

I’m a Catholic and admittingly I fall short of it, perhaps I should take a page from our Lutheran brothers.. Thanks for sharing!

I was thinking of that scene in Lars and the Real Girl as I was reading the first part of your comment. Such a phenomenal movie.

Reminds me of a few scenes from Reservation Dogs, which is a pretty good show if you’re ever looking for something to watch!

So much humanity in this. Thank you for sharing and for advocating.

You don't need to say anything. Be present: listen; be curious and caring and compassionate and infinitely patient. Watch TV together; listen to music.

This is one of my biggest takeaways from reading Frank Ostaseski's book "The Five Invitations". He runs a hospice center and has lots of experience helping the dying and those around them. He talks about how being present is often what is most needed.

He also has a great talk with Sam Harris that's worth a listen.

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