Thanks for this detailed feedback. Another user somewhere else down this comment thread gave similar feedback and I think together it's enough for me to throw together some alternative landing page layouts.
Funnily enough I apply some of these things in a different context to READMEs for my popular GitHub projects[1], but whenever I see them applied on a product page I often click away very quickly because I associate with snake oil (it wouldn't surprise me that I'm in the minority here).