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Comment by dailykoder | Hacker News Reader

>Also, if you are in a relationship, having friendships with other females will likely be a problem.

That still sounds so alien and crazy to me. My friendship, when I grew up has always been a good mix of men and women. We never cared about that. No one gave a shit if anyone got naked and changed clothes (or for whatever reason). And a few of them had a relationship with eachother. In the friend group there was never anything sexual. We were/are just friends. It's weird to me that people think it ain't possible

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People don't think it ain't possible. Just that it isn't common and there is a sexual tension in the end. And when you are in a relationship there are insecurities.

Your situation doesn't seem "normal".

If being in a relationship without insecurity is abnormal, then I'm happy to be a snowflake.

You're dumbing it down.

But I envy you living in a snowflake world without insecurities, cheating, divorces, etc.

I'll acknowledge that I speak from a privileged position, but from up here in my ivory tower, I can see that a lasting relationship is necessarily founded on trust.

Sometimes in life we develop defense mechanisms that are self defeating. I bet a lot of us are familiar with the conundrum of the IT department that always says "no." The environment becomes too constrained for work to be done, so the rest of the business develops shadow IT out of necessity.

Telegraph to your partner that it's unsafe to discuss their friendships with the opposite sex with you, and they will start hiding that information from you.

Not the point they’re making.

That's what I learned over the years. But by I appreciate that me and my friends ain't normal.

Edit because I read your other comment: sure there might have been cheating and other sorts of trouble. But iirc envy never played a role.

>Your situation doesn't seem "normal".

This perspective is so mind-blowing to me. I'm Western European, and all of my male friends have female friends, all of my female friends have male friends. That's what's normal to me. When I hear people say things like "friendship between men and women always has sexual tension," that's what sounds "not normal" to me.

I guess it has a lot to do with cultural norms and gender roles.

I'm not sure if this was the intention, but while I believe anyone can be friends, the comment about 'if anyone got naked and changed clothes' doesn't seem entirely typical for most cultures.

When we go skiing, for example, we all change from jeans into Winter clothes outside the car after parking at the resort. I've seen most of my friends in their undies, regardless of gender. It's not sexual, it's just convenient.

I have no idea how common these types of situations are elsewhere.

Commenting on such topics on hn makes me want to have some kind of footer with a/s/l/salary/social class etc.

I'm from central/eastern Europe, and I feel a little bit of WEIRD bias [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology#WEIRD_bias] in many opinions presented here.

I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just finding myself more and more blocked when it comes to discussing such topics.

Your friends have friends of different sex - I get it, but for how long we would have to debate here to check if there really is no sexual tension there. Where does relationships come from then in those groups? None of those friends become pairs/partners? There are no ex-lovers who after 10-20 years are coming back together from the "friendship phase". Etc.

On the other hand, I never said that there is only sexual tension. Just that it's hard for me to imagine a world where it's not important.

Sexual interest is not wholly absent from my mixed gender friendships. But I wouldn't call it "tension" in most cases. Some are people I have been intimate with before, but now that is in the past. Some are now married with children and I am friends with their spouses (and kids) and would never, ever try to inject sex. Some I am not at all attracted to, and some are not at all attracted to me.

And some I hope to someday fool around with!

It's not simple, but the vast majority of the time it is not a problem either. The real problem comes from jealous partners, and I personally would never date someone who is so jealous that they cause problems with my existing friendships.

Yeah, I agree with that.

For example, I'm friends with most of my exes. We're all in new relationships. I sometimes go out for dinner with one of them to catch up on life and talk. There is no sexual tension at all, because we are in different relationships, so sex is not something we even think about!

If we were both single and an ex would call me and ask if I'm alone tonight and if she can drop by and watch a movie, then that would be a completely different situation, and there very likely would be sexual tension. But this is highly situational and has more to do with circumstances than with the people involved.

Just because I had sex with a person in the past or might in the future or could in theory does not mean that there is constant sexual tension between us.

Yeah this is absolutely not normal among most people, probably the vast majority of people.

Not normal to be friends with any exes or people you've had sex with? Maybe not too common in ones 20's, but more likely by their 30's or 40's.

Lot's of friendships start with brief dating/hookup that doesn't lead anywhere romantically. And frequently major relationships leave bonds that persist after the relationship ends. I'd be hard pressed to think of ANYONE I know who does not have at least one friendship like that (I'm early 40s).

I'm not sure why you are generalizing like that. It's normal for all the people I know in my personal life.

Maybe I'm just confused about what you mean by sexual tension. If I'm attracted to somebody, I feel out what they think. If they don't feel the same, then that's that. Same the other way around.

If people agree that they like each other, then there is sexual tension, because they both instigate that sexual tension.

If they aren't attracted to each other, then there's obviously no chance of sexual tension in the first place.

For some people I see on the Internet, sex seems to be an overwhelming factor in their lives, and they see all relationships through that lens, but I've never observed that in real life. Sex and romantic relationships are just one part of people's lives, and most friendships are never perceived through that lens.

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