A lonely man in his 30s found welcome and community at spin class
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I found that you would not see everyone every week. So you would have the same superficial conversation time after time and not feel like a real connection was made.
The group had a core group of genuine friends, but they maintained quite an in-group which was hard to break into as a dilettante - you'd have to commit to doing group activities multiple times every week.
Also banter and stories seem to be how men bond which I find boring and difficult. Cycling clubs are mostly men but there were some women, but then do you seem like a creep if you try to inveigle yourself in with them?
The best connections I made was with lesbians, who I could chat to most comfortably of all. But in the end we were unlikely to be friends off the bike because our lifestyles were so different. Like how many straight geeky single dads do lesbians want in their friendship group really :D
It might seem like every group will be the same, but all it takes is to bump into one or two people you get on with and then you can organise things separately, avoiding the inner group toxicity.
For me, the romance eventually faded after about a decade of serious riding and racing (I was a nationally competitive cat 1 road racer to give a sense of how in it I was). As I drifted away, I found that there was very little depth to almost all of the friendships I'd made through cycling. Only one friendship survived the long run and it was almost my entire social life for a decade. There is also the problem that it can very easily trigger unhealthy levels of competitiveness, either in distance or speed which can lead to awkward dynamics. As the saying goes, once you have two bikes together, you have a race.
I had a friend who was a masters national champion who eventually became utterly intolerable because he had little to talk about besides his rides.
Now I find meaning and friendship in spiritual and creative communities (I'm being vague because what works for me may not work for you). I'm grateful for the lessons I learned from cycling, but I haven't looked back since hanging up the cleats years ago.
That all being said, for those who love it: keep loving it! Just sharing my experience.
We just never learn to be vulnerable and nice. Just by opening up and having real conversations and telling my friends I like them and I value them has been the real way to bond. Who knew, being open and honest works!
It's not about what you do or who you do it with. It's about telling them they are important to you.
And people just have so little time. I pick solitary hobbies because I know we'll never get some team hobby done. So if suddenly we can't meet for a month+ I can at least finish that video game as opposed to something like a D&D campaign that will just fester.
And yeah, that mentality is part of the problem. But I can't make people want to hang out. I've been regularly going to meetups now and it's about the same as pre-COVID, where instead of forming a deep bond with a few people, you get maybe 1-2 regulars and a revolving door of new people. People are just so flaky these days (I imagine many for good reason, but still).
who cares, you would not see everyone every week
a lot of guys have the same anxiety, sometimes leaving the field wide open
Really? If they have kids themselves connecting to someone in a similar situation who is otherwise not like them can be really refreshing.
To be clear - if I see any of my clubmates out on the roads, which happens a lot, we'll often briefly chat! Acquaintances are nice to have too, for sure. But we aren't inviting each other to our barbeques.
While if you choose to go the cafe ride groups then you'll have people just out for a ride and a chat.
However it just didn't click. I can't explain it. Cycling is so enjoyable and feels wonderful. Including climbs. Running just feels slow and constant pounding. I wish I was a runner. I'm envious of you all. But I suppose I've spent 4 decades training my body to be a cycling not a running machine.
??????????????
is a lesbians lifestyle SO different than a straight male that friendship is absolutely incompatible?!!
if they live in the same city as you, chances are they have the same lifestyle like you. Unless they're part of the 1% (millionaires/billionaires, famous people, etc), there's nothing in their lifestyle that would stop a friendship from forming and continuing.
More and more I see segregation growing in our society, like slowly moving cracks in a glass panel. As one's identity becomes narrower, more specific, so does the Other's definition expands and, ultimately, separates.
I wish people would remember we're all, all, the same, running on the same hardware, feeling the same emotions, having the same reactions and instincts, even if our life experiences might be different.
Really, there are no aliens on Earth, none; it's just Us here.
It's not that group A lifestyle is very different than group B lifestyle, but that the differences are not enough to preclude friendship. Neither in OP's example, nor yours.
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proofs.
And so you can be friends with most people in your city. Because they're not jet setters, famous people, politicians, or other 1% special people with VERY different lifestyle than most people.
You know, sometimes I need to remind myself this site has people from other cultures and also significantly younger than me.
Yeah, you certainly do. Even your list of what "most people" share mostly doesn't apply to this white straight thirty-something mid-class guy living with his partner in the capital of an European country writing this comment to you right now. And regardless of that, it fails to be relevant in the context of OP's post - he found the lifestyles to be different enough to matter, and you come here and reply "no, you didn't".
What I said was the lifestyles are not actual that different and to stop segregating and splintering into smaller and smaller tribes.
I would recommend pushing yourself to connect with people, but take it slowly- tell yourself it is okay even if it feels awkward and do one small thing at a time, like smiling and saying hi. The best fix for social anxiety is positive social experiences.
The natural way people connect with new people is through a trusted intermediate- someone who can introduce you, and whose mere presence vouches for you. “Cold approaches” feel a lot more scary and awkward, although they also build a lot of confidence.
Anyway, i agree with unihacker. Dont give up man. You already know how to take the first step—you’ve demonstrated as much. Be confident taking the second!
It was initially disappointing, but people are diverse so I didnt let it phase me.
No real happy ending other than I got some solid pacing partners for an upcoming race.
Its tough meeting new friends and it takes effort
Are you asking if you seem like a creep when you talk to women? I guess it depends on what you say. I lead group rides for a prominent cycling brand in a major US city for years and no one thought it was creepy to talk to anyone.
You just gotta bite your tongue during service when they conflate faith with candidate choice. May December 2024 arrive quickly.
Another option may be churches affiliated with 9Marks because I know the leader of it, who is a pastor on Capitol Hill in DC, was outspoken against getting involved in politics a decade ago. However, a lot has changed in a decade, and I haven't kept up.
Of course, if you're happy with the community you have and are fine biting your tongue, that's fine as well.
> You just gotta bite your tongue during service when they conflate faith with candidate choice.
Or you can report them to the IRS for illegal campaigning: https://www.irs.gov/charities-non-profits/charitable-organiz....
IMO, the "I go to church for community but I don't agree with their views" crowd are essentially enablers. I'd rather not have community at all than give legitimacy and support to a cult that has a net negative impact on society.
They don't accept me, if they vote for people who would make my life terrible for nobody's benefit
In decades of going to Catholic and Anglican churches (not in the US, but in multiple varied places) I have never heard a candidate endorsed from the pulpit. The only political thing I recall was being told we should stand up for people of other religions who were at risk of persecution - apart from unarguable and nonspecific things about the poor
* https://careers.stjohnwa.com.au/volunteer-page
The are a lot of IT oriented people at my gym, but also surgeons, lawyers, business owners, etc...
The key, like anything, is try a few different schools to find the vibe you want.
Uh, citation needed?
Team sports may not be generally fun for people who are shy or who have poor social skills, but those 2 things aren’t synonymous with introversion.
But team sports can be great fun for people who are shy or who have poor social skills because they force improvement of those skills.
Experiences may vary of course but I've been doing it for a couple of years now and have found it tremendously helpful.
To guarantee success you have to engage with other people and be willing to take the next step yourself (i.e. ask potential friends out on a "date" to explore a different shared interest).
I'm just reporting some actual events from my own life where group based activities did not result in friendships, and doing some initial reflection and analysis on why that might have been, which I thought might be of interest.
You can have good friendships with other men. Friendships with women is not a necessary contingent precedent for that.
Also reversing your statement to use women sounds immediately sexist: "...And be better able to discern which women to bother to pursue friendships with." The corollary being that not all women are good women, or worth your friendship, just because they're women.
Also, if you are in a relationship, having friendships with other females will likely be a problem.
That's not a healthy relationship.
It works especially well if they are also in relationships and if your partner is also in your social circle. Couples hanging out with other couples is a really strong basis for friendship.
That still sounds so alien and crazy to me. My friendship, when I grew up has always been a good mix of men and women. We never cared about that. No one gave a shit if anyone got naked and changed clothes (or for whatever reason). And a few of them had a relationship with eachother. In the friend group there was never anything sexual. We were/are just friends. It's weird to me that people think it ain't possible
Your situation doesn't seem "normal".
But I envy you living in a snowflake world without insecurities, cheating, divorces, etc.
Sometimes in life we develop defense mechanisms that are self defeating. I bet a lot of us are familiar with the conundrum of the IT department that always says "no." The environment becomes too constrained for work to be done, so the rest of the business develops shadow IT out of necessity.
Telegraph to your partner that it's unsafe to discuss their friendships with the opposite sex with you, and they will start hiding that information from you.
Edit because I read your other comment: sure there might have been cheating and other sorts of trouble. But iirc envy never played a role.
This perspective is so mind-blowing to me. I'm Western European, and all of my male friends have female friends, all of my female friends have male friends. That's what's normal to me. When I hear people say things like "friendship between men and women always has sexual tension," that's what sounds "not normal" to me.
I guess it has a lot to do with cultural norms and gender roles.
I have no idea how common these types of situations are elsewhere.
I'm from central/eastern Europe, and I feel a little bit of WEIRD bias [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology#WEIRD_bias] in many opinions presented here.
I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just finding myself more and more blocked when it comes to discussing such topics.
Your friends have friends of different sex - I get it, but for how long we would have to debate here to check if there really is no sexual tension there. Where does relationships come from then in those groups? None of those friends become pairs/partners? There are no ex-lovers who after 10-20 years are coming back together from the "friendship phase". Etc.
On the other hand, I never said that there is only sexual tension. Just that it's hard for me to imagine a world where it's not important.
And some I hope to someday fool around with!
It's not simple, but the vast majority of the time it is not a problem either. The real problem comes from jealous partners, and I personally would never date someone who is so jealous that they cause problems with my existing friendships.
For example, I'm friends with most of my exes. We're all in new relationships. I sometimes go out for dinner with one of them to catch up on life and talk. There is no sexual tension at all, because we are in different relationships, so sex is not something we even think about!
If we were both single and an ex would call me and ask if I'm alone tonight and if she can drop by and watch a movie, then that would be a completely different situation, and there very likely would be sexual tension. But this is highly situational and has more to do with circumstances than with the people involved.
Just because I had sex with a person in the past or might in the future or could in theory does not mean that there is constant sexual tension between us.
Lot's of friendships start with brief dating/hookup that doesn't lead anywhere romantically. And frequently major relationships leave bonds that persist after the relationship ends. I'd be hard pressed to think of ANYONE I know who does not have at least one friendship like that (I'm early 40s).
If people agree that they like each other, then there is sexual tension, because they both instigate that sexual tension.
If they aren't attracted to each other, then there's obviously no chance of sexual tension in the first place.
For some people I see on the Internet, sex seems to be an overwhelming factor in their lives, and they see all relationships through that lens, but I've never observed that in real life. Sex and romantic relationships are just one part of people's lives, and most friendships are never perceived through that lens.
I would never subject myself to that kind of relationship.
It's very easy to leave the sexual element out of your co-ed relationships.
It's very easy to have things in common with the opposite gender.
Women tend to be extremely willing to talk about their feelings while men bottle them up due to societal expectations and gender norms, so women make great friends for men.
If your significant other can't handle you having friends of the opposite sex they are not being reasonable. (It's not like you have to have sleepovers or something!)
If I'm understanding that the root of this so-called "logic" is in the threat of mutual attraction with someone other than the partner.
What do you suppose a monogamous bi person would do?
All this normalized controlling jealousy out there is so strange and sad to me as someone in open relationships full of bi people. We're happy for each other if someone has a good time when we're apart, we all hang out together and have a good time, even go to furry cons and get up to shenanigans together.
From what I recall of a lecture I once listened to on human sexual behaviors, the drive to at least have encounters with multiple people is very common and makes evolutionary sense as far as adding diversity to your offspring pool.
I'll go as far as to say the expectation of strict monogamy is a repressive social norm that leads to needless heartache and shame from the effects of cheating, on both parties - of course breaking the boundaries of a relationship is one's own avoidable choice, and the cheater is wrong to do so and bears the blame here, but the fact that it's such a common occurance supports the argument here - the repressed urge was so strong it overrode their care for the relationship. How many relationships would have been saved if sex wasn't seen as such a big deal? In the age of contraception, PreP, vaccines, etc. I don't see the value to society in strict sexual monogamy as a norm.
If you allow a partner this much control over your life, you'll suffer for it. If you're pre-suffering in hopes of landing a partner who will mistreat you, you're missing out on life (and potential healthy partners who expect you to not be a weirdo in the presence of other women). Turns into a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Take note of the other men talking about their successes in this regard before dismissing the concept out of hand. Or, take it from a lesbian: most of my friends are women. If women were hard-wired to hate their partners' female friends, we wouldn't ever show up to a softball game. It's the culture: seek people whose culture provides a stable and healthy basis for life.
I imagine that when you stand up to them, your frenemy would say, jeez, when did you get so sensitive. I've been mocking and undermining you for years, so what's the problem?
Men's friendships often involve good natured jabs, but sometimes insecure men will use that as cover to treat you like a doormat. Life is too short to be fodder for their ego.
Also, it's not generally true that you'll lose access to one modality of friendship if you learn another. People move between different friend groups and subcultures all the time and code switch as necessary. (I don't doubt that some people have trouble with this, however.)
To be clear, it's exceedingly rare that I've had to kick people out of my life. And if you say that you and your friends engage in mutual banter, then I believe it. I've enjoyed some banter in my time.
It's not clear to me if you're saying there's a pattern in your life of friends becoming "too sensitive," but if there is, I do think that's something to interrogate.
Not that you can't do all that AND give each other some shit. But if you aren't doing all that I suggest giving it a shot.
1. Men are socialized to only be emotive in aggressive or masculine ways. Expressing vulnerability is met with mockery until you learn to stop doing it.
2. Sometimes people don't know how to communicate in a way that's effective without being tactless. Sometimes they think such communication isn't possible, expressed in cliches like "truth hurts", "I'm just showing you tough love" or "you need to grow a thicker skin." (Sometimes this works, but in my experience it's actually a lot easier to communicate if you don't express yourself in a way that's personal and insulting, it distracts from what you actually want to discuss. My policy for expressing uncomfortable criticism is, "speak plainly and clearly, drop the superlatives, and get it done sooner than later.")
Some men, absolutely. Most men? Maybe. But I removed those kinds of people from my life years ago. The few men I involuntarily socialize with are coworkers, mostly programmers, and they tend to be on the less macho side generally, thank god.
It's true, they often do. And I find it to be one of the least valuable and most insecure aspects of friendship. My best relationships with any gender, romantic or otherwise, have involved little or no negging and a whole lot of honest communication and building each other up.
Jabs do sour relationships with people who aren't open to being spoken to in that way. Your previous comment about people becoming "too sensitive" makes it sound like some of your relationships may have soured in that way (speculation, I don't know your life; if you deny it, I'll believe you). Being tactful means feeling out the vibe, jabbing at people who appreciate it, and taking another tact with people who don't.
The world isn't dualistic. There are more kinds of people and more ways of interacting than are dreamt of in your philosophy. If there are people you don't get along with and don't want to be friends with, that's fine, live your best life. It's the same way for me, and GP said the same as well. But understand that's a choice you've made because it's right for you, not something objective or universal, and try not to judge others for making a different choice.
You're projecting that "you" out there.
Can you contain multitudes that would allow you to maintain strong friendships with many different people?
I've got bros to drink beer and talk shit with, as well as bros to call when I've been dumped. And women to do the both with as well (more often found in the same woman, unlike my bros who are more fixed people)
Of course I mean just true friendships, not some hunting for next partner in disguise (or something I saw quite often - keeping group of 'friends' around for next loneliness period to choose next partner from - both men and women are equally guilty here, there was always some weird little dynamics happening under the bonnet).
Guy-guy relationship at the end can easily be 100% honest and true friendship which is what men are normally looking for, guy-woman rarely so, even if they keep acting and telling themselves its just that. Biology is not something you can keep denying for long under various circumstances.
As for the main topic generally, I'd suggest either joining some group of people practicing sport one likes, or even better organize something for others. If you want dating, women will notice, they always like seeing competence and self-sufficiency.
Women - if you have good close straight male friends, and you are at least a bit attractive - don't think for a second they didn't at least once have a fantasy of having sex/dating you, most probably more than once. Maybe not 100% of men, but 98-99% for sure, we are not that complicated.
I'm guessing/hoping you are fairly young because though I can see how these perspectives make a lot of sense in the early part of life, by the time we are adults we should view these ides as simplistic and silly.
1) Modesty/nudity-taboo culture. I can only speak to the US-American perspective here, but I'd guess it's similar in any culture where nudity is taboo. Because you're taught to keep your body covered (and women's bodies moreso than men's) and that you shouldn't--a "should" imbued with moral weight here--see the naked bodies of others unless it's a locker room or you're about to have sex. This creates a kind of mystique around bodies, especially of another gender. With same gender friends, you probably see their bodies occassionally in locker rooms, or just changing casually, maybe skinny dipping, etc... which removes much of the mystique. But in these cultures it's unusual to see a different gender friend nude, so there is some mystery. If there is any sexual attraction that adds to the mystery and creates "tension". In cultures with less modesty or less taboo around nudity, you just see your friends of any gender naked and there is no mystery, and no tension around bodies.
2) Abstinence-only sex education & the sanctity of sex. In cultures where sex is seen as sacred, something you should only do with one person and for procreation, there is also an extent to which sexual attraction itself is shamed. I find that a lot of straight people (especially those without queer friends) feel ashamed if they find their friends attractive, and are unable to continue a platonic friendship if they feel any attraction at all. This is not at all how queer friend groups operate, it's expected you might be attracted to your friends but that doesn't mean you need to have sex or have "tension". The idea that you can be attracted to someone and just not make a problem out of it is very controversial in straight culture sometimes
People who believe men and women can't be friends are also in general only thinking about straight cis people. This idea is just absent from queer culture, and also (anecdotally) from straight cis people with many queer friends
to be fair, I barely have male friends. The extra friction with a hetero woman basically makes it impossible for that to happen organically like it could 10-20 years prior. It's just hard to "stick" with people as you leave the college days. And be it due to bad luck or personal looks or personality or whatnot, I haven't had many people try to keep the connection.
I've been trying to do some small chat with meetup aquaintances online and sometimes it just feels like I'm throwing in more job applications with the respose rate I get. It takes two to tango.
>Do these commenters also think gay men have solely female friends, and that non-binary people all live in remote caves, isolated from each other the same as with cisgendered folk?
Not particularly. I know there's a lot of special interests groups focused around LGBT communities, so that lived identity is a strong bonding point. Not so much for a hetero male like myself (the "default"). That's also why dating apps for homosexual people tend to have much higher success rates.
There's no middle ground between "She is not that interesting to me, we can be online pen pals but I have no interest in visiting her" and "I'm attracted to her and can't think about anything else"
It's probably a disorder honestly
I grew up with a hand’s full of sisters. I prefer female friends to male friends.
I just lack the experience with the vernacular of male interactions.
I am great at making friends, but I am apparently terrible at keeping them.
If the woman identifiess as cis het then either they start to develop feelings for me or accuse me of having feelings for them. (even in the absence of such feelings)
If they identify as queer they eventually remove me from their lives as I am either unwelcome in their circles or they are ridiculed for having a “cis het white male” friend; even when I consider, and identify, myself as more open than a hard het. (It appears if you say you are uncomfortable with labels people make them up for you and then apply their unique biases.)
I’m unsure how to square that circle. I’ve resolved to just keep repeating the same cycles.
This is exactly what I expected from a dude going to a spin class.
Sport, crafts and language classes/clubs are and have been for a long time the primery way for secular introverts to meet new people.
For a while, before Covid, I went to a Yoga class. I was usually the only man there. It seemed much easier to make friends with the women in that class than with men in more manly pursuits.
The 90s were wild.
What I think is much more interesting is how activities like this and running clubs might be supplanting dating apps for dating. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/13/style/running-clubs-datin...
Almost anyone I know who is not picky and is attractive has gotten a relationship within a couple months of being on any of the mainstream apps. It's the picky or unattractive people who are suffering. I'd say, in particular, the unattractive are the biggest victims since a picky person could learn to be more accepting. You can't really do much about being unattractive - if it's genetic. (e.g. short, ugly, etc.)
Of course if you're rich and and feel like it, you can get a nice crashpad in Napa for weekends and drive your Koenigsegg downtown for a morning coffee.
Also +1 to being platonic friends with women.
But I’ve never understood how it can be a social thing, as you are on a bike isolated from other. It feels like the epitome of being alone with my thoughts in the woods, not interacting with others in real life or electronically.
I know people do it and I keep meaning to try, but part of the reason I never get around to it is I’m not quite sure I understand how it would work.
> as you are on a bike isolated from other
No, you aren't. Maybe on a climb.
But on the ride itself, social rides usually involve being in very close proximity (handlebars only a few inches away from each other), and it's normal to strike up a conversation.
Or maybe "we" go to the gym to exercise, not make friends? When did going to the gym become a social activity? I listen to music to drown out the absolutely awful pop music they play there, not to prevent people from talking to me. I don't assume they're interested in talking to me anyway, and although it's often nice to strike up a conversation with someone, I'm there to train and chit-chatting eats into that and usually leads to equipment-hogging.
Glad this guy found a place he enjoys going and people he likes, but it's kinda shitty and weak that he's trying to turn it into "here's a list of the reasons men and gyms are bad".
There's something special to me about events where there is some expected activity to engage with, so keeping your head down and concentrating is fine, but some people are open to socializing as well. It takes the pressure off those of us with weak social muscles, and makes it OK to socialize for a bit, and then do an individual activity for a bit to recover. And if there's someone you don't want to interact with it's easier to make yourself unavailable without making it a personal rejection.
Using earbuds to signal that you're not open to social interaction is fine, but it can be a bummer if everyone's doing that.
And yet male loneliness is such a problem!
I found group classes preferable to just hitting the gym. At the gym, there was a bunch of machines and equipment; I didn't know what I was doing with them, so I relied heavily on personal trainers and worried a lot about proper form, and how to efficiently use time and effort to get some results. It took a while to define my goals and the means to those ends, and thus decide on which machines to use, from a bewildering array of choices. I also had social anxiety because of mixed gender and being older than most. There were TV monitors playing dumb shows to distract me even more. I fumbled just to account for my regimen, tally up reps/sets/times, and enter them into my app.
In a group class, there was a clearly-defined program and leader who could demonstrate all the moves and coach us through a routine. There was some equipment, but everyone was using it the same way, so I could take cues from others. The leader was able to suggest easy/challenging modifications according to our skill levels. The music was programmed by the leader and not a "one size fits all" high-energy radio station.
There was yoga and pilates, and a majority of women leading and taking the classes, but one or two men attending as well. One looked me in the eye and thanked me for coming, and I presumed it was a "minorities gotta stick together" statement.
Most of us regulars were on a first-name basis, but did not meet outside the gym: it sufficed to see each other at class. This casual sociability didn't return when the gym restarted the classes. The new attendees aren't as friendly with each other.
The 1991 film _Danzon_ has a poignant narrative about trying to find an acquaintance who has vanished.[1]
Lockdowns were the catalyst, but still not sure if it was that, social media, work from home, or just moving from my 20s to 30s.
Certainly wasn’t the Sars-CoV2 virus itself
The all female bent was strange, most lifetime fitness classes are pretty mixed, and spin tends to make more than female. Then again this was the weird dance on bike phenomenon which as a "real" cyclist was always weird to me.
...50 classes to "get" spin? I think he was only going once or twice a week in the beginning, so yeah he didn't improve that fast. People, work out 4-5 times a week, it works really well at developing fitness over 1-2 times, where you won't really stress the body to improve long term.
Be careful!
I'm glad he was finally able to invite himself to a social gathering.
> In my experience, men don’t do group claps. We tend to shy away from on-tempo towel twirls. The weight room doesn’t break out in Woo!s when one of the fellas tries his best on the bench press. We march through the gym alone, AirPods blasting, not because the Knocked Loose song makes us stronger, but because we think our independence does. Raised in the oppressive swirl of the patriarchy, we’ve learned to disconnect, to close off, to ride alone.
Like, has this dude been on any sports team? Look at a baseball team or adult softball team and tell me men aren't cheering each other on.
Has he ever gone to a serious weight lifting gym? The "meatheads" are absolutely cheering each other on, spotting each other.
He has taken his own insecurities and hang ups, and, instead of looking inward, says it must be the fault of the patriarchy.
"It requires a purging of entire realms of my shitty male points of view, from shaming self-talk to the latent homophobia I encounter within myself when the instructor tells us to dance, to “make it cute."
A guy in his 30s feels "latent homophobia" from dancing? Would be interesting to know where exactly the author hails from. It's great that he found friends in a spinning class but honestly a more general way to deal with this, just move to a big city where people in their 20/30s/40s are available to hang out and men have hobbies?
I’d venture to say I hear about more folks who feel alone in big cities than small.
And it’s not necessarily “latent homophobia” of the kind where you think people who are gay should be subject to hell, fire, and brimstone. More one where you worry about being the outsider or labeled as something you aren’t and having all the cliches that come with it attached to you.
But what do I know? I’m just a cis, straight, marrried, childless, white man in his 30s, living in the in the city and working in tech after spending his 20s in the arts. The guy who felt weird not coming out in college when all the folks around him were (I actually tried to and then realized I had nothing to come out from)
Regarding big cities, I think this issue affects people living in urban areas too. From a U.S. perspective, NYC is a bit unique since it has more long-term residents, but in most other parts of the country, including the Bay Area, there’s a period in your 30s when people start settling down, and it's easy to drift apart depending on the dynamics of your friend group.
It's getting to be maybe a _bit_ less of a thing, but it's still a thing, certainly for many people in their 30s.