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Cycling disproportionally attracts men who are also technically minded. It gets people who tend to be in their heads into their bodies and also taps into a spirit of adventure. It can be very seductive to those who catch the bug, but it is also very insular.

For me, the romance eventually faded after about a decade of serious riding and racing (I was a nationally competitive cat 1 road racer to give a sense of how in it I was). As I drifted away, I found that there was very little depth to almost all of the friendships I'd made through cycling. Only one friendship survived the long run and it was almost my entire social life for a decade. There is also the problem that it can very easily trigger unhealthy levels of competitiveness, either in distance or speed which can lead to awkward dynamics. As the saying goes, once you have two bikes together, you have a race.

I had a friend who was a masters national champion who eventually became utterly intolerable because he had little to talk about besides his rides.

Now I find meaning and friendship in spiritual and creative communities (I'm being vague because what works for me may not work for you). I'm grateful for the lessons I learned from cycling, but I haven't looked back since hanging up the cleats years ago.

That all being said, for those who love it: keep loving it! Just sharing my experience.

In my experience the thing men have a problem with is not having too technical hobbies or too much focus on task or whatever people say.

We just never learn to be vulnerable and nice. Just by opening up and having real conversations and telling my friends I like them and I value them has been the real way to bond. Who knew, being open and honest works!

It's not about what you do or who you do it with. It's about telling them they are important to you.

Not sure it is a problem per se (people bond in different ways), but yes. Often times when you invite male friends over you have an objective. Be it to watch the game, twiddle with a project, or just drink on the lawn absorbing sun.

And people just have so little time. I pick solitary hobbies because I know we'll never get some team hobby done. So if suddenly we can't meet for a month+ I can at least finish that video game as opposed to something like a D&D campaign that will just fester.

And yeah, that mentality is part of the problem. But I can't make people want to hang out. I've been regularly going to meetups now and it's about the same as pre-COVID, where instead of forming a deep bond with a few people, you get maybe 1-2 regulars and a revolving door of new people. People are just so flaky these days (I imagine many for good reason, but still).

I feel like that's many male friendsships on or off a bike. Many are shallow and kind of bound to some sort of activity, especially physical ones. Could be societal since many male activities focus on the activity over the bonding (cliche joke: "Best friend of my life, we talked for 2 years. Never did learn his name").

"I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes." - Ron Swanson

Thank you. I couldn't find the quote when searching.

My thinking is that if you only meet someone in one particular context say cycling, then you are cycling-buddies. Or work, they are just colleagues. But if you start meeting them in a separate context as well that's how they can become lasting friends. And you have to kind of intentionally guide things this way if that's what you want.

It seems to me like you are pre-disqualifying yourself from connecting with people. That sounds to me like a consequence of social anxiety. There is no reason you can’t be friends with women- both straight and lesbian, and it’s not creepy to be friendly. Even if you are romantically interested in them, that isn’t inherently creepy either. I’m an athlete and many of the women in my community are happily dating men they met at the gym that were just friendly and welcoming at first.

I would recommend pushing yourself to connect with people, but take it slowly- tell yourself it is okay even if it feels awkward and do one small thing at a time, like smiling and saying hi. The best fix for social anxiety is positive social experiences.

The natural way people connect with new people is through a trusted intermediate- someone who can introduce you, and whose mere presence vouches for you. “Cold approaches” feel a lot more scary and awkward, although they also build a lot of confidence.

I was in a cycling club years ago too. I may have not seen everyone every week and may have not formed deep friendships, but make no mistake friends were made. The amount of shared experience between peer and “friend” can be negligibly small. I haven’t seen those guys in years but I know if I reached out thered be welcoming open arms. My experience is that if you want it to be more, you have to make it more. Friendship in adulthood must be worked/earned—it doesn’t just happen. Sux—I wish it came for free like it did in childhood.

Anyway, i agree with unihacker. Dont give up man. You already know how to take the first step—you’ve demonstrated as much. Be confident taking the second!

I'd try another group, they were probably a bad fit for you.

It might seem like every group will be the same, but all it takes is to bump into one or two people you get on with and then you can organise things separately, avoiding the inner group toxicity.

>but then do you seem like a creep if you try to inveigle yourself in with them?

Are you asking if you seem like a creep when you talk to women? I guess it depends on what you say. I lead group rides for a prominent cycling brand in a major US city for years and no one thought it was creepy to talk to anyone.

The trick or the thing to hobbies and friendship is to do something outside of the hobbies with the people you want to be friends Wythe, otherwise you end up hobby partners and that only lasts for as long as the common hobby lasts.

> Like how many straight geeky single dads do lesbians want in their friendship group really

Really? If they have kids themselves connecting to someone in a similar situation who is otherwise not like them can be really refreshing.

A priori you might think so. I'm just reporting my experience.

To be clear - if I see any of my clubmates out on the roads, which happens a lot, we'll often briefly chat! Acquaintances are nice to have too, for sure. But we aren't inviting each other to our barbeques.

If you already love cycling, why no do like I did and add running to your sport routine? I know, it's painful if you aren't used to it, but I found the local Parkrun community to be a bunch to connect with much easier even for someone neurodiverse like myself, grant you we are a very small one with only 30 runners on a rainy day.

Haha I did have this idea too. I even did a few park runs. It's also much easier to fit into a busy schedule - a satisfying ride of 100 km takes up a whole day!

However it just didn't click. I can't explain it. Cycling is so enjoyable and feels wonderful. Including climbs. Running just feels slow and constant pounding. I wish I was a runner. I'm envious of you all. But I suppose I've spent 4 decades training my body to be a cycling not a running machine.

It depends on what sort of club or ride you end up in. If you end up in a competitive group/club then its harder to make friends as people are focused on racing or the sportives and just want to get the training done

While if you choose to go the cafe ride groups then you'll have people just out for a ride and a chat.

I went to a running club back in Boston years ago pretty consistently. Despite being a solid runner (the ingroup would pace 6min. Miles for a good five or so), post graduation and in the start of my career (they were the same), and looking to just meet new people and be friendly on a consistent basis, they wanted nothing to do with me.

It was initially disappointing, but people are diverse so I didnt let it phase me.

No real happy ending other than I got some solid pacing partners for an upcoming race.

Its tough meeting new friends and it takes effort

> but then do you seem like a creep if you try to inveigle yourself in with them?

who cares, you would not see everyone every week

a lot of guys have the same anxiety, sometimes leaving the field wide open

>in the end we were unlikely to be friends off the bike because our lifestyles were so different.

??????????????

is a lesbians lifestyle SO different than a straight male that friendship is absolutely incompatible?!!

if they live in the same city as you, chances are they have the same lifestyle like you. Unless they're part of the 1% (millionaires/billionaires, famous people, etc), there's nothing in their lifestyle that would stop a friendship from forming and continuing.

More and more I see segregation growing in our society, like slowly moving cracks in a glass panel. As one's identity becomes narrower, more specific, so does the Other's definition expands and, ultimately, separates.

I wish people would remember we're all, all, the same, running on the same hardware, feeling the same emotions, having the same reactions and instincts, even if our life experiences might be different.

Really, there are no aliens on Earth, none; it's just Us here.

I don't read it as "their lifestyle was so different [because they were lesbians]" - it just sounds like it was different regardless of their sexuality. Like I'm very technically minded, but I have friends who are super into arts and spiritual stuff - I'd say our lifestyles are very different, but if I said "I have a pair of gay friends and our lifestyles are very different" you could get the wrong message and think I'm insinuating that it's because they are gay.

Yeah no, I read it exactly like you, nothing insinuating about anyone sexuality.

It's not that group A lifestyle is very different than group B lifestyle, but that the differences are not enough to preclude friendship. Neither in OP's example, nor yours.

> if they live in the same city as you, chances are they have the same lifestyle like you.

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proofs.

Most people, in a city, or even in a rural environment, work 5 days a week, have a roof over their heads, sometimes go out to eat, sometimes go to walks in the parks, sometimes they host get-togethers at their homes.

And so you can be friends with most people in your city. Because they're not jet setters, famous people, politicians, or other 1% special people with VERY different lifestyle than most people.

It's rather hard to bond over having a roof over one's head. But sure, it's not impossible... Seems like you're just entirely missing the OP's point.

Hobbies and shared passions are not the only things people can bond over.

You know, sometimes I need to remind myself this site has people from other cultures and also significantly younger than me.

Of course not. They just happen to be the easiest things to bond over.

Yeah, you certainly do. Even your list of what "most people" share mostly doesn't apply to this white straight thirty-something mid-class guy living with his partner in the capital of an European country writing this comment to you right now. And regardless of that, it fails to be relevant in the context of OP's post - he found the lifestyles to be different enough to matter, and you come here and reply "no, you didn't".

That's not what I said, though.

What I said was the lifestyles are not actual that different and to stop segregating and splintering into smaller and smaller tribes.

And what I keep saying is that you're missing the point. It doesn't matter that the "lifestyle is not that different" (which is arguable), what matters is that it was different enough to make bonding and fitting in harder, which is hardly unbelievable. And yes, there absolutely is a huge variety in people's lifestyles, even within the same social classes and even when you can still find such similarities as having a roof above one's head. Ignoring it and offering "we're all the same species" instead does not bring anything valuable into the discussion and certainly won't help anyone make friends.

I'm not missing the point, I'm absolutely disagreeing with it.

You're right. I just averaged together one million people, assumed a perfectly spherical urban metro core, and eliminated factors like air resistance and pollution, and now I have a 40-hour-a-week job! Thank you!

In principle you're right, and yet if you examine the world empirically you find that birds of a feather tend to flock together. It's such a truism they even coined a proverb to cover it. And I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with that either, particularly for members of oppressed or minority groups.

The only thing we disagree is the number of feathers on birds. You see, I think people have more than one feather at the same time -- more than one attribute, characteristic, etc., at the same time. Identity is more than 'lesbian' or 'single geeky father' or 'gym bro' or 'nerd' or 'of model'. And even if it was, there is nothing in that identity that stops a friendship from forming with other people with different identities.

I go for long solo bike rides pretty frequently, have done some group rides from time to time. I've met a few genuinely friendly people and a lot of passive-aggressive gear snobs.