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Comment by shashashasha | Hacker News Reader

I get hit by this all the time. Many times when I'm talking with my girlfriend I realize that what she wants is not for me to leap into "problem-solving" mode which I naturally tend towards, but understanding/empathy mode (similar to the "That's frustrating" example in the post). Realizing that during a conversation dramatically changes the flow for the better :)

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The long held philosophy is that men are problem solvers, and when someone comes to them with an issue they want to solve it. Often what people really want is just for you to listen. So when your wife says "I hate this tap", she doesn't actually want you to fix the tap, she just wants you to nod in agreement.

So the secret to a happy marriage, just always nod in agreement, and try and pay enough attention in case she asks what she was just talking about.

At times I've interrupted such a complaint to clarify: "Is this venting, or a bug report?" Once the person (not always female, but usually) understands the question, it helps a lot, and as a bonus they feel a lot more listened to than they otherwise would.

I guess I shouldn't mention the ex-gf of mine that with one simple mention of anything that wasn't right, I was supposed to immediately be on it, plan in hand and know how to go about fixing it. Zero excuses. Period.

Yeah, she was fun.

Is this venting, or a bug report?

Not quite sure what you're asking, sorry. If you want to know if it was an actual problem specific to the situation or if it was transference (ie, you have a bad day at work so you go home and kick the dog), then I'd say both.

He is basically asking if you wanted to vent, or get help fixing the problem.

Since you said she was an ex, I guess you just wanted to vent.

See http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=4115372

I find this is true for people in general, not just women. People just want to be understood.

I think it's a balance. You don't want to be the know it all, but you also don't want to be the yes man. Providing valuable perspective of your own, as well as listening and learning is contributing to the relationship, just as much as being supportive and an echo chamber. I think a great relationship is about balance and getting through things together. Emotionally supportive and providing practical help or your opinion at times.

Exactly.

I guess many, men in particular, are better at problem solving and need some advice like this from time to time.

On the other hand, no-one want's to hear "I see you're drowning. That must be tough." We sometimes need a little problem solving.

Disagree.

The secret to a happy marriage is a dishwasher, two if you have room and means.

No no no! She actually DOES want you to fix the tap. Even if she didn't tell you she hates it. You MUST fix the tap!! PLEASE, FOR YOUR OWN WELLBEING!! FIX THE TAP!

Fix it only AFTER you are done being supportive and the current conversation and any followups on different subjects that may appear end.

Also don't try to analyze arguments in an incident report manner, "which misunderstanding started this, why did it escalate, how can we avoid it". Doesn't work.

It is going to be really tough for me to avoid that since that is exactly the behavior that I am drawn to when a problem presents itself.

You can do that for yourself, but you should not discuss it in that manner.

Once you have a fix, just roll it up to production and see how it does. If the fix involves the partner, first think about how to introduce the conversation properly.

Yeah, I find it's easier just to put my brain into Eliza mode and think about something else.

You might want to at least pause before delivering a "you are being a bit negative," though.

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