>[appeal to popularity]
I think you put too much weight on what people currently do. Every year it seems the previous years trendy ideas are "terrible" and something new is "the way it should have always been done from the start".
>[stored procedures, business logic splits, and DBA gatekeeping]
You probably shouldn't be using stored procedures to be implementing more than you need to keep things internally consistent (i.e., almost never). I actually don't understand why you're so hung up on stored procedures. I've seen people try to implement whole applications on top of stored procedures, certainly not anything I'm recommending.
Yes if you split your business logic like that then you're going to have trouble, so don't. If instead you treat your database as an isolated unit and keep it internally consistent, then it's not really that difficult to keep things always working even when migrations happen.
As for the DBAs, nobody says you have to have DBAs, but if you're going to use a technology, it's worth having someone who understands it. (or, you know, just pick a different database).
>[transpile?]
I mean, lots of people use query generators which let you write e.g. native python and generate equivalent SQL (SQLAlchemy Core).
Anyway, your complaint seems to be that people don't understand SQL databases well enough to use them properly. Sure, but this is like complaining that git is bad because nobody knows how to use it. People who don't know or want to learn git, SQL, or a tool they're using, should pick a different tool.
>[it scales worse if you try to implement an application in it]
well yes
>[more complaining about abuse of stored procedures]
sure
...
I think at some point you read something I wrote as: "And you should attempt to find out a way to shoehorn your entire application into the RDBMS such that your application is just a frontend which calls stored procedures on the RDBMS" but that's certainly not anything close to what I said.
Designing your database such that it stays internally consistent when you perform operations on it is a good goal, and doesn't require filling it with stored procedures and making it your backend.