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Comment by kjhughes | Hacker News Reader

Having a genuine interest in the other party makes all the difference. (Lack sincerity going in and you'll sound like a polished politician at best.) When you really care about the person you're meeting, your external focus leaves you no room to worry what they think of you -- an all too common distraction -- and leads to a self-reinforcing confidence that aids the exchange more than any pre-scripted techniques can.

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But what if you don't have much interest in the other party? Most people are not interesting to me.

I used to feel that way. But, after some contemplation, I realized how conceited that is. People are so multidimensional and have such varying experiences that it is arrogant to think that there is nothing interesting about someone you have just met. They may not be good at communicating and they may seem to be boring or shallow. But, they almost certainly have knowledge and experiences that are foreign to you. The trick is finding what they are. If someone can't find anything interesting about another human being, it probably says more about their lack of wonder than about the target's "interestingness" (although sometimes communication is the problem too). I really like watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe to see him converse with the people he is working with. If you were small talking with these people in the dentist office they might seem boring. But, Rowe is able to bring out their interestingness.

Same here, although I didn't contemplate the change. It just sort of happened somewhere in my late 20s. Late bloomer I guess? Always thought I was smart and understood people. But, now realize I missed plenty by not really getting it and finding what was interesting about others.

Dale Carnegie says that the secret to being a good conversationalist is to be a good listener. People like to talk, especially about themselves (and I don't really mean that in a bad way). If you are a shy person, ask questions that don't have short, dead-end answers (so no questions with binary yes/no answers) and you can "steer" the conversation while the other person does all the "peddling." ;)

I highly recommend Dale Carnegie's classic How To Win Friends and Influence People. The title turns people off, but it is a classic "people person" book.

You can treat it like an anthropological exercise, and try to really figure out the values, interests, and motivations of someone who bores you to tears.

Just don't do it with a sneer on your face or contempt in your voice.

Then expand your interests until they are broad enough to allow connection with more people. Even if you think you're more interesting, you should relish in the opportunity to give others new insights and point them in the direction of your favourite experiences.

Either way, you should be able to enjoy talking about the human condition, friends, and experiences you've had. These are quite universal.

Then just start talking about stuff that's interesting to you. Maybe it will be interesting to them too.

Worst-case? Learn to convincingly feign genuine interest. The key is to fool yourself. If you aren't buying it, they aren't either.

The cool thing is when you get somebody to really open up about their interests like this, you sometimes discover it really is interesting, after all.

Exactly. I found that everyone has something interesting to say, although most of them do not even know it. By taking "genuine interest" you'll help them find something they were not really aware of, and then all you have to do is shut up. They'll talk for the whole time and end up finding you the most interesting person around.

I'll remember you as a pleasant person but not the most interesting one. I've found that the most interesting people tend to talk a bit more because they always have something interesting to say, either stories or insights, and people want them to speak more.

Genuine interest + actively engaging with them + interacting with another's story

Of course, there is always more to learn. :)

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