> The picture, however, looks a lot less clear when you talk with an actual young person.

I guess most of these young persons are in Robert Kegan's socializing stage [1]. Parents and teachers etc. are mostly in one of the next stages. I think they need to go back mentally to imagine how it's like to be between 10 and 15. Obviously your kid cannot go simply forward.

[1] https://medium.com/@NataliMorad/how-to-be-an-adult-kegans-th...