The practical problem is figuring out that "others would have" something different than you would like, because they're emotional and irrational (as far as you can tell).
So when you say "good advice" I say, "it depends"
Not having the urge to commit violence would be a pretty good reason for trying to get help.
I definitely noticed something was wrong with me once I started school. Since then, I am constantly reminded of that by everyone around me. They have something I’m expected to have.
Just imagine if you were the weird one because you were the only person with emotions. You can’t escape it. You can’t fix it. Some people try to be “helpful” and “understand” but the entire time, they are pointing out you are beyond their comprehension.
It cause enormous anxiety to know you need to be something you are not. You have to learn to cope with it.
I definitely noticed something was wrong with me once I started school
as for the challenge of making friends, for some reason, growing up, i didn't feel the need, but saw the benefit of not being submitted to peer pressure. i took my outsider status and relished in it, doing things that few others of my classmates did. i distanced myself and sought friends in after school activities. and as i was able to make a few friends once i joined university i felt that, given the circumstances, things didn't go that bad.
the making friends problem i am addressing by moving out of europe and living among people who are more welcoming than the average europeans, and also by applying this key understanding:
being a friend means to care about someone. you make friends by showing that you care.
i show that care to everyone who crosses my path, and with repeated interaction some of these people become friends.
One would never know.
It's not about birds in dinosaur times though - as an analogy I mean.
It's more about a particular bird being different from others of its species of bird.
This could be an advantage to their life and acceptance (e.g. they might be too pretty or stronger) or usually a big detriment to their life and the acceptance they get from their peers.
And given that "wrong" is basically socially defined as "the opposite on the majority is like and agrees to", being different in that sense is as good as being wrong.
(I'm specifically not saying 'wrong' for existing in society or having value to offer the world and, actually, if environmental factors make a difference to this sort of thing, then asexuality could well be increasingly common as a response to the state of the world vis-a-vis climate change and resource usage and all the other bad things humanity hath wrought)
I think that's a bit too reductive: asexuality ≠ not having kids. Even people who dislike the dentist won't mind going if it benefits them.
However, there might indeed be an issue in finding a properly fitting other half, but it seems[0] that the trait is not that uncommon either (order of magnitude seems to be about 1%).
I completely lack sexual attraction. That doesn’t mean I can’t have and enjoy sex for other reasons.
Sexual attraction isn’t necessary to desire children. And lack of it is not a hinderance if you don’t mind the process. ;)
is it seeing someone and wanting to have sex with them? it never occurred to me that not wanting to have sex with everyone i find otherwise attractive is something unusual.
if anything i think many problems today come from people wanting to have sex with anyone they feel attracted to, or choosing a partner only because they are sexually attracted.
instead of choosing a partner because they love them and only wanting to have sex with them because of that love.
seems to me that being able to enjoy sex in the way you say is the better and healthier approach.
i think i feel similar to you and i always felt that this is normal and that sexual attraction is a concept sold by media and advertising. i never considered myself asexual because of it. i don't think sexual attraction mattered much in choosing a partner at least until a century ago or so.
The best way I can describe sexual attraction is having an emotional level awareness of sex as a category. It's not limited to physical appearance. There is something would make you want to have sex with another person.
> instead of choosing a partner because they love them and only wanting to have sex with them because of that love.
Given what you already said, this isn't a question an asexual person is likely to ask. They would already know the answer. :)
> seems to me that being able to enjoy sex in the way you say is the better and healthier approach.
Not really. I don't understand why sex is important. I don't understand why anyone would want to go out of their way to have it.
Sure, it's fun, but not enough to justify all the hype about it. If you want to get hot and sweaty, can we go play laser tag and gang up on some over-confident teenagers instead?
Why the heck does the entire history of human society care about this?
What would get me to want sex? When it's an add-on to another fun activity. Cuddling and sex! I'm listening. (Note to self, never suggest naked laser tag again.)
Hope that helps! :)
i have never felt anything like that.
Given what you already said, this isn't a question an asexual person is likely to ask. They would already know the answer. :)
i wasn't actually asking a question but making a statement.
i think my understanding and my feelings about this are much closer to yours than i am comfortable describing in detail in a public post here. (but i am open to continue this conversation in private, as i am very interested in getting a better understanding about this question.)
I don't understand why sex is important.
i understand it about as well as i understand why people want to have a car. (i don't have a car, and i don't drive). more specifically, i see sex as just one of the many ways that one can show affection to someone else. the trouble is that it has been overloaded with taboos and expectations unlike most other forms of showing affection. and i agree it is overhyped.
I'll leave figuring out which species as an exercise for the reader. Hint: highly-gregarious African canid with the same initials as All-Wheel Drive.
Lycaon! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/African_wild_dog
For reference, I was pronouncing it "kay-oh-deli-kay-on", as one really cool word. :p
QUÉ-oh-deh LIE-kay-on :)
Kayodé is the approximate spelling from the syllables. I was playing around with sounds for a constructed language and ended up with combination I liked.
A lot of sociopaths lead pretty normal lives. Pro-social behavior is generally pretty beneficial, even if you are doing it for practical reasons and not out of empathy.
In this case, do something minor (stealing) to scratch the itch that, if left unscratched for long enough, could result in doing something major (violence).
It feels like a reaction to societal rules that don't make sense in their experience of the world, and so maybe the itch exists because the rule(s) seem irrational and arbitrary to them.
Or maybe the lack of empathy leaves a hole to be filled with mischief.
I think it is always difficult to analyse why someones does something. In Psychology, behaviour is like a Feynman diagram, you can always rotate the picture and get a valid particle interaction. What is cause and what is effect is hard to tell, but yes some people steal out of a sense of justice if you can call it that.