Comment by spodek | Hacker News Reader

Comment by spodek | Hacker News Reader

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Mention introversion and shyness, especially around geeks, and many people will come out saying, "I like being shy," "I'm an introvert, that's just the way I am," and things like that.

Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn, but my life improved so much with each bit that learning each bit motivated me to learn the next. Now nobody can believe I was ever not outgoing.

Saying "I'm X" doesn't mean you have to be X forever. But putting it that way reinforces your X-ness. Some people say shyness is like gayness, something your born with. I haven't observed that to be the case, not that I've researched it.

To me the problem with being shy isn't that others look down on it. It's that it prevents you from solving many problems. Most of life's hardest problems as well as greatest solutions are social.

Saying "I like being shy"... well, everyone likes being shy sometimes. But I doubt anyone who also knows a million other ways of being would prefer losing everything but shyness. Do you like having no option other than being shy?

To anyone who says you can't learn social and emotional management skills to overcome shyness, that wasn't the case with me or others I know. You can say those cases are anecdotal, but so is yours.

>Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn...

Precisely. I like the introvert/extrovert description of recharges alone/recharges with other people. I grew up as a serious introvert, but my parents knew the value of social skills. One day my father turned it from a chore into an introvert-style learning exercise by framing it as a skill to be learned and not a quality to be had.

I joined the orchestra, got comfortable with public speaking, learned how to make small talk. I'm not a natural at it, but get by fine today, even in very public sales and lecture/teaching roles.

I still like to go home at the end of a day and recharge alone, but I can use it like a skill and it's been incredibly valuable.

I read your definition, and thought, "Yeah, I'm an introvert because I like to recharge alone." But then my next thought was, "Actually, it depends on how I'm feeling." Often I seek company because I like to recharge with other people.

Am I an extrovert or introvert? I don't feel like I'm in one or the other for the particular majority of time. I don't believe it's a great model for describing everyone.

For the record, I used to be shy but forced myself out of it. I also felt I had to learn new skills (sometimes a painful process), but I still don't believe I'm naturally either introverted or extroverted - neither really describe me or my behaviour.

It's a continuum, not a constant, and can definitely be based on the situation or who you're with.

I agree, there are some people, close friends & usually in small groups of 2 or 3 people, I love to spend lots of time with and don't feel worn down after spending time with them.

And in certain groups with a good vibe they can be incredibly fun.

But in the general case I'm definitely an introvert. A week of sales calls runs me into the ground by the end for example.

"Some people say shyness is like gayness, something your born with. I haven't observed that to be the case, not that I've researched it."

It actually is the case, for those who have researched it. Simplistic example that demonstrates this: I have two 1-year-old nieces. If you say, "Hi!" to one she gets excited, looks you in the eye, and smiles and giggles. Do the same with the other and she'll smile but immediately bury her face in her shoulder.

I think what you're talking about -- and many of the other comments on this page -- isn't shyness, but something completely different that actually has a much more descriptive name: Social Anxiety Disorder.

I like being introverted. I enjoy spending time alone with my thoughts.

I hated being shy, which made me anxious in social situations. People confuse these a lot. Anxiety is pretty much always a negative. Introversion can be a big positive.

Getting over being shy took a long time and it basically just took a lot of practice...putting myself in social situations despite my fears.

How did you overcome it?

I was shy well into my 20s. My problem initially was that my parents weren't very social people and never taught me the social skills I needed. This combined with low self-esteem (which I think built-up from the low social skills), made me a really shy person.

The real problem is that opportunities can and will pass you by when you aren't social (in most companies, you most likely won't get promoted). I wasted a lot of time at home, because I avoided social situations at all cost. You won't know what you miss as a shy person until it's too late.

How did I fix it? 4 years of forcing myself into social situations. I joined a few groups on meetup.com and just recently started my own.

This is what it takes. You need to push yourself. Some people can't do this on their own and actually need therapy.

It's great if it worked for you. I did the same and forced myself into social situations for years. I became quite functioning socially after a few years but I never got really comfortable and in the end had to stop because I was completely exhausted. I also went through therapy with the same result and the therapist basically telling that I am a loser. Psychological problems are difficult. Most obese people probably know pretty well how to lose weight but they just can't do it. Same for alcoholics.

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