I have no idea what worfram's model is about, and I agree that the language he uses to publicise it is kinda twatty. However your insane criterion for what constitutes a theory/formalism worth exploring is clearly guided by your bias against the man.
It's like inventing a new operating system (we currently have 3ish, Newtonian, Quantum, and GR) instead of writing a new program (baseball, orbital motion, chemistry, gravitational waves, etc.) Perhaps new programs can be written on this new OS that couldn't be written before. If known programs cannot run on this new OS then it is defective.
I understand the problem is that, like String Theory, this framework has a practically unlimited supply of variables that can simply be tuned to fit existing experiments, while not offering any way to be tested.
That said, the point of redescribing things we know very well - like QM and GR - in new ways is ultimately to make testable predictions. So:
Which is tautologically true. Any Turing complete system (e.g. Conway's Game of Life) can reproduce the physical world with large enough memory and enough time.