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Comment by chatmasta | Hacker News Reader

Coffee shops are an intimidating place to interact with strangers, and I'm skeptical that people who suggest this have even tried it. Maybe it's been the default suggestion for "meeting people" for so long, that it's become overdone to the point that it's weird to do.

In general if the only common experience you have with someone is your physical proximity, it's probably not a great opportunity to make friends. If you live in Brooklyn you might go to the same coffeeshop as Margot Robbie... that doesn't mean you're gonna be friends with her or that she'll be friendly if you ask her what book she's reading.

You'll have much better luck attending shared activities around a common interest, where everyone there is expecting to interact with each other.

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I ended up doing this accidentally.

I enjoy reading on my laptop in coffee shops. I'm naturally introverted by temperament and hate bothering people. (And physically I am practically the opposite of Margot Robbie.)

But you keep showing up long enough and conversations end up being inevitable, especially if you sit near where the baristas are working, which I didn't do initially until one day they were the only available seats and I found it was the best place to sit.

I feel like you're leaving off the end of the story here...

First you interact with the staff a bit and overtime the other regulars will get used to you and chat with you, its not complicated. You could also walk your dog around the block at the same time everyday. Just do something frequently in the same place, that's the formula. I've met many people in coffeeshops, made friends, even been hit on fwiw. I'm surprised you find it to be an insurmountable challenge.

I think this depends a lot on where you currently live. Maybe if you live in a very closely knit and/or isolated area, other people might welcome you with open arms. But if you try the same thing in a cafe at a busy street you might be greeted with curt responses that try to politely reject your attempts at making conversation.

> I've met many people in coffeeshops, made friends, even been hit on fwiw

I don't think anecdotal evidence would be very convincing in this case, since your success (there has to be a better word for this) would largely depend on your percieved attractiveness and/or approachability. The setting might not play as big of a role as you think it does.

> I'm surprised you find it to be an insurmountable challenge.

I'm not GP but I didn't get that impression from their comment. I agree with them in that the meeting-people-at-coffeeshops is an overused cliche that was popularized by pop culture/media with lower chances of success.

It does sound like a meme.

I can tell you as an extremely socially anxious person I’ve actually done it myself. There’s power in clichés.

At this point it's such a meme that I'd assume anyone suddenly talking to me in a coffeeshop is doing it because they're a socially anxious person who follows instructions they read on the internet. Not that there's a problem with that, but it's not exactly a strong foundation for a friendship.

The point is to not be some random person you’ve never seen before suddenly talking to you. You don’t start out talking to every person that walks through the door. First you have to establish yourself as “that person who’s always here on Tuesday at lunch”. You don’t do anything other than make eye contact and smile. If someone you see regularly seems friendly and has established a habit of smiling back or nodding when you do then make a point to talk to them if you find yourself standing in line with them or sitting near each other. Just comment on something ordinary like the weather or some nonpolitical event in the news. If you don’t strike up a conversation then don’t force it but be aware of their body language and if they seem comfortable with the interaction then do the same thing the next day you run into them. After a couple interactions you can make a point to say hi to them when you see them next and ask how they are if they don’t seem busy or in a rush. Eventually you’ll strike up a proper conversation and you can introduce yourself by name. After that it’s just a matter of saying hello and asking about the things they express interest in and finding things in common.

It sounds really weird to write it all out but this is just how it works. Familiarity leads to social interaction and you need to be consistent about it if you don’t want it to peter out.

It should also be said that if someone is not comfortable with any stage of this then it’s best to leave them be.

I met my wife in a coffee shop.

But... Not by talking to her in the coffee shop. For several years I would go to this one particular coffee shop damn near every day and would work from there for several hours. She came in sometimes and saw me, liked how I talked to the employees there, liked the cut of my jib... Then when she got a contact from me on OkCupid... The rest is history.

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