Ask HN: How would you go about meeting a bunch of new people IRL? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How would you go about meeting a bunch of new people IRL?

32 pointsdachworker59 comments

This is part of my social anxiety therapy. I am trying to come up with strategies to meet hundreds of new people over the course of this year. The goal is not to build friendships but to have substantial "in the moment" interactions. Obviously a party of some sort would be the ideal place because I could maybe manage four or five such interactions over the course of the evening. But getting invited to parties is kinda challenging for me since I don't have many good contacts where I presently live. So I need other ideas...

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I moved to a new town a few years ago, and was worried about forming a new social group. What did it for me: be the instigator. Most people want to improve their social connections, and many have the same sort of "starting problem". Being the one to organize events is a surprisingly easy way to immediately have many people around, and importantly lets you set the terms of the engagement.

The best short, easy resource on what I mean is this book: https://party.pro/book/. The Art of Gathering is another good one if you want to go deeper.

You may be concerned that you don't know many people, so can't easily organize an event where people would come. This is actually solvable (see the book above). The nice thing is that this also lets you risk and experiment with social failure ("what if people don't show?", etc), which in my experience is the cause of a lot of social anxiety.

Nice! That was exactly my strategy too and worked so well. Will read the book recommendation! Thanks!

Out of curiosity, to which town did you move to?

This works indeed. Unfortunately, you might realize just how flaky people can be. My circle strengthened around the people who commit and show up.

It might sound a bit old fashioned, but is there a toastmasters chapter near you [1]? It's an organisation dedicated to improving public speaking, but it's actually a lot of fun.

The first half of the meeting is where people give prepared speeches and get evaluated. The second half people have to give a 2 minute talk on an improvised topic.

You'll meet people in a supportive and friendly environment, improve a useful skill, and have lots of fun.

[1] https://www.toastmasters.org/find-a-club

It's a great organization, but different chapters have different vibes.

They might range from super diverse and fun groups that also like to go for drinks after the meeting, to suburban professionals who race home the minute it's over. YMMV.

I would say the one I go to tends slightly towards the latter, but there is usually 15 mins in the middle and the same at the end to chat.

The easiest ones are just showing up regularly, like same coffeeshop everyday at the same time, and same group fitness place at same time. Then familiarity will lead to "in the moment" interactions.

There might be conventions where you live. There's all sorts of themes like sci-fi or food & wine expo, you can have loads of conversations there.

If you have a skill you want to learn like "how to bake bread/ brew beer / make chinese food" then you can go to artisan markets and ask for advice in achieving your goal, people are generally happy to give advice also it will get you out of the house and give you an interesting thing to say for your next encounter.

Coffee shops are an intimidating place to interact with strangers, and I'm skeptical that people who suggest this have even tried it. Maybe it's been the default suggestion for "meeting people" for so long, that it's become overdone to the point that it's weird to do.

In general if the only common experience you have with someone is your physical proximity, it's probably not a great opportunity to make friends. If you live in Brooklyn you might go to the same coffeeshop as Margot Robbie... that doesn't mean you're gonna be friends with her or that she'll be friendly if you ask her what book she's reading.

You'll have much better luck attending shared activities around a common interest, where everyone there is expecting to interact with each other.

First you interact with the staff a bit and overtime the other regulars will get used to you and chat with you, its not complicated. You could also walk your dog around the block at the same time everyday. Just do something frequently in the same place, that's the formula. I've met many people in coffeeshops, made friends, even been hit on fwiw. I'm surprised you find it to be an insurmountable challenge.

I think this depends a lot on where you currently live. Maybe if you live in a very closely knit and/or isolated area, other people might welcome you with open arms. But if you try the same thing in a cafe at a busy street you might be greeted with curt responses that try to politely reject your attempts at making conversation.

> I've met many people in coffeeshops, made friends, even been hit on fwiw

I don't think anecdotal evidence would be very convincing in this case, since your success (there has to be a better word for this) would largely depend on your percieved attractiveness and/or approachability. The setting might not play as big of a role as you think it does.

> I'm surprised you find it to be an insurmountable challenge.

I'm not GP but I didn't get that impression from their comment. I agree with them in that the meeting-people-at-coffeeshops is an overused cliche that was popularized by pop culture/media with lower chances of success.

It does sound like a meme.

I can tell you as an extremely socially anxious person I’ve actually done it myself. There’s power in clichés.

At this point it's such a meme that I'd assume anyone suddenly talking to me in a coffeeshop is doing it because they're a socially anxious person who follows instructions they read on the internet. Not that there's a problem with that, but it's not exactly a strong foundation for a friendship.

The point is to not be some random person you’ve never seen before suddenly talking to you. You don’t start out talking to every person that walks through the door. First you have to establish yourself as “that person who’s always here on Tuesday at lunch”. You don’t do anything other than make eye contact and smile. If someone you see regularly seems friendly and has established a habit of smiling back or nodding when you do then make a point to talk to them if you find yourself standing in line with them or sitting near each other. Just comment on something ordinary like the weather or some nonpolitical event in the news. If you don’t strike up a conversation then don’t force it but be aware of their body language and if they seem comfortable with the interaction then do the same thing the next day you run into them. After a couple interactions you can make a point to say hi to them when you see them next and ask how they are if they don’t seem busy or in a rush. Eventually you’ll strike up a proper conversation and you can introduce yourself by name. After that it’s just a matter of saying hello and asking about the things they express interest in and finding things in common.

It sounds really weird to write it all out but this is just how it works. Familiarity leads to social interaction and you need to be consistent about it if you don’t want it to peter out.

It should also be said that if someone is not comfortable with any stage of this then it’s best to leave them be.

I met my wife in a coffee shop.

But... Not by talking to her in the coffee shop. For several years I would go to this one particular coffee shop damn near every day and would work from there for several hours. She came in sometimes and saw me, liked how I talked to the employees there, liked the cut of my jib... Then when she got a contact from me on OkCupid... The rest is history.

I ended up doing this accidentally.

I enjoy reading on my laptop in coffee shops. I'm naturally introverted by temperament and hate bothering people. (And physically I am practically the opposite of Margot Robbie.)

But you keep showing up long enough and conversations end up being inevitable, especially if you sit near where the baristas are working, which I didn't do initially until one day they were the only available seats and I found it was the best place to sit.

I feel like you're leaving off the end of the story here...

> just showing up regularly, like same coffeeshop everyday at the same time

I can't emphasize this enough (minus the coffee shop part ;-)). Meeting someone with regularity is how you go from stranger to acquaintance to friend. Pick a hobby (pickleball? Gym? Rock climbing?) and go at the same time on the same days.

I did this when I was younger and learned a lot of social skills this way. I just went out to the bars alone.

- You can't rely on anyone else to have fun so you have to talk to people or you're bored

- Alcohol helps lower your inhibitions so it becomes easier (relying on it always is no good but alcohol can be a tool just like any other thing)

- if you say something stupid or someone has a bad reaction or doesn't wanna talk you can say "have a good one" and peace out

If you don't know where to start with talking to people, comment on something they're wearing, then ask them followup questions and be genuinely interested and try to make jokes. If you run out of things to say, "have a good one" and peace out

Great way to learn to read people too because often people are too polite to tell you to fuck off but their body language suggests it so I learned to pick up on a lot of more subtle cues I didn't really see before

Maybe good for social skills (maybe) but do you maintain lasting connections with people you meet like this?

Sure, why not? Not everyone will be looking for those lasting connections, but that's true of everywhere you go.

The real key to that part is to find a local bar and be a regular, so you run into the same people over and over.

The OP specifically said

> The goal is not to build friendships but to have substantial "in the moment" interactions

While everyone else is suggesting activities to build friendships

I can also say that some of these one time interactions i've had at bars/festivals/wherever are some of my most memorable and most influential interactions

I would be very cautious when you learn a new skill like talking to random people and building new connections - which can be extremely rewarding - and connecting that in your brain to alcohol.

Everywhere I've lived the local libraries and community centers had a decent number of events, classes, get-togethers. Check calendars at places close to you, and go to some events.

Or go to openings at art galleries/museums. Go to fairs and festivals. Really, any local event that is open to the public.

Join Rotary / Exchange club / Kiwanis / etc. Go to the "After hours" event from your local chamber of commerce. Do you have other kinds of meet up groups say for civic causes or hobbies? The public library or similar places can be a good place to learn about these. Go to the meeting of your favorite political party. Find an extrovert friend who can be your wingman.

Now, the techniques... sometimes it helps to arrive early, so that as people walk in to the event behind you, you can greet them. This is much easier than walking into a room of people and trying to figure out how to insert yourself into the conversation. Come up with a line of questions other than "what do you do for work?" that you can use to engage people beyond yes or no questions. Look around the room for people who are wallflowers and use your shared shyness to break the ice. Look for the people who are the life of the party and float with them - they may help introduce you to other people just by being in the same conversation circles. All this takes time and practice just like any other skill.

Excellent suggestions thus far. I'd add volunteer organizations, which have the benefit of an existing agenda and activities which take some of the pressure off the social side of things. Getting to know someone while working alongside them is a more natural interaction than facing off with them and playing 20 questions.

I moved to a touristic town (Rio de Janeiro) and created a whatsapp group of travelers, digital nomads and locals that now has hundreds of people that meet regularly and every week a hundred new people join and some leave. It's been a great way to meet interesting new people from all around the world!

The best way is using sites like meetup.com and finding an interest group. I met my current friend group (around 20 people) and wife. I ended up joining a group in the beginning and then taking the group over. While we don't use the site anymore and group disbanded, we are all still really close and meet at least a couple of times/month.

Random interactions are going to be hard and awkward. It's much easier to be part of a group that you know the other person has at least some of the same things in common as you.

> meetup.com

How long ago was this?

It still exists but at least in the big city where I live, about half of the meetups are online only, which defeats the whole original purpose of the site.

I also notice that a lot of the groups just act as feeders to bring people into the same one or two events.

Sadly Meetup is not what it used to be, even though I feel like it's needed more than ever.

There are lots of active groups on meetup.

Some that come to my mind I had good experience with are social hobbies, boxing, bjj, dancing classes, chess, tabletop groups.

I've been trying to do this with intention myself over the last year. Some things that worked for me:

- Get a dog! Seriously, going to dog bars, dog parks, and even walking the dog are all great opportunities for spontaneous social interactions.

- Group fitness classes can be good, even if you just chat with the instructor before or after class. Going regularly you're bound to talk with some of the other members.

- Arts classes (i.e., pottery) can be good, as it's usually a small group setting and you can chitchat while you're working.

Not the question, but another thing to consider is your body language when you're in those spaces. Try to be cognizant of it and present yourself to being "open" to conversation (especially in a bar setting). By that I mean, looking around, make eye contact, smile at people, don't be on your phone, and don't be afraid to say hi.

[edit: formatting]

I meet a ton of people at the gym

Volunteer to do stuff for people.

Meeting people just like that is a bit difficult. But if you have something to offer, like, "hey I have some time on my hands and I'd like to volunteer", I think people open up to that.

Join a climbing gym and go at least twice a week at the same time of day. Politely ask people for help or about climbing in general, or let them know you like their shirt. Climbers are weird and friendly people.

I was going to suggest climbing gyms, specifically the nights where they offer buy one get one free passes. Sometimes they have a signup for singles to get the deal too.

Solo travel puts you in that situation a lot, especially rugged travel. The bar to meeting people is lower then.

If you want to kick it up a notch, try travelling some distance without a smartphone and relying on others for information.

Meetups are designed to foster interactions with strangers. So are networking events and the like.

Volunteering is another option. You'll be paired with a bunch of strangers for a few hours.

You can also hit up your local subreddit and invite a few people to some activity. Just pick something you like and ask if other people want to join.

I don't. I never enjoyed the company of people over myself. But I do like to 'browse' an environment when I hit a certain threshold of solitude. Living with people is an exercise in escape management. I am almost 40 now, but through out my life I attempted futile attempts to meet ppl as OP is suggesting. Every time I came out in a worst mental state. Some people just need to be alone.

I'd find an activity that you enjoy (and as other people have suggested) find folks to do it with through meetup etc.

The "enjoy" part was pretty key for me - as I feel like it's really hard not to be my best self when I'm having fun and more focused on the activity than making a good impression. I also tend to do well at things I enjoy, and that gives a helpful little self-esteem boost.

> ... social anxiety ... hundreds of new people ...

I think you should lighten up on that goal. Meeting hundreds of new people for a person without social anxiety would be difficult. Maybe just start by chatting up folks who cross your path in everyday life? You might not get to hundreds. At least you won't distract yourself with unrealistic metrics.

If you’re a dog person then get a dog. I say hello and engage with dozens of dog walkers a day. You stop and talk about dogs so there’s no uncomfortable conversations. With routines you get to know people and make friends.

You can replace ‘dog’ with any social hobby, I guess. Surround yourself with people who share the same interests.

You could get a casual job in a service role, like a bartender. It’s a great treatment for social anxiety via exposure therapy.

A friend of mine (also very SA) became a bartender and became very outgoing (and “met” a lot of girls). It’s a very nice hack (part time).

That would be my recommendation as well. It doesn't get much easier than a job where people pay to come talk to you.

Join a new gym, like a small mom n pop spot (CrossFit, Olympic weightlifting, barbell club, etc) not a globo gym. Attend tech meetups. Attend trivia events at local bars. Join an amateur softball, bowling, <insert thing here> league. Volunteer for habitat for humanity, or a food bank, or anywhere really.

Figure out things you want to do (pickleball, volleyball, hacking, computer, cars, hiking, reading, drinking and jogging), and then either find a group that does that or invite people to join you. After the event, invite people to go to a coffee shop or bar to hang out a bit. ? Profit.

Meetup is a great way to find people with similar interest. Also, take some local walking tours (often free or very low cost). Local service clubs like Rotary, Lions, Kiwanis, etc are also very welcoming and they offer opportunities to get invested in your local community.

Step 0: leave the house

Also, "hundreds of people"? IRL is not twerk tic, most people don't have hundreds of IRL friends, or even "had" in the days when IRL was where ALL friends were...

Step 1: Go to places you like, and talk to the other people there...

Attend any/all conferences that are coming up in your area (or region).

Game nights, social running clubs, hobby groups, and community classes.

Bars. That's literally what they're made for — not only to socialise with people you already know, but also to meet new ones and make conversation to them.

Church. You'll have built in community, they'll be inclined to get to know you, and it's low effort.

Just talk to people. Take a walk, so hi to everyone you pass. You need to act out the type of person you want to become. It's a muscle. Those interactions are easy because they are almost always extremely ephemeral. Hi & hi, maybe a conversation starts up about something in the direct area, most of the time it's extremely quick. Maybe you even see the same person multiple times, the very fact you both take walks at the same time is a connection you can build on. Conversation builds friendship.

Then apply this muscle to less ephemeral situations like the coffee shop or gym or whatever, where a group of people are in the same general area as you for extended periods of time, with their own demands on their time, likely there studying or exercising or whatever. When they get bored studying or exercising for a bit, say something to them. Like "Yo what's up, just studying?". Are you worried about how you "sound"? Or if you are saying "the right things"? If you are work on letting go of that. It's a huge weight on your shoulders.

Also, if you're working. Start pinging people. People love talking about stuff they're interested in. I do it and learn all about all the crazy hobbies people have. I've actually taken up hobbies myself as a result of some of these interactions because I met some /extremely/ dedicated people.

It's fucking easy man. Just do it.

With this tactic I guarantee you will have 100 interactions in no time.

Find tech meetups in your area. Meetup.com is a great way to discover options.

Maybe go help poor people.

Get into tabletop gaming and find some local meetups

Maybe try church? There have been some great influences for me, in terms of peace, long-term outlook, and personal sense of stability & security despite health challenges etc. Some thoughts at my web site (in profile).

Thoughtful comments appreciated with any downvotes.

I have very bad social anxiety. In my early twenties I had no friends and was depressed because I wanted to socialise but couldn't and also didn't know how.

In the end I got so depressed I forced myself to started going out on my own to meet people.

I mostly went to bars, but I found other places I could make friends too like parks and festivals. Early on I tried going to meetups and things like that, but honestly I wouldn't recommend them. Everyone (including myself) tries so hard at those events. It's better than not socialising at all, but it always felt way too forced to be fun for me. Plus, these meetups don't exactly select for normal people...

Anyway if you're interested I guess I can give you some tips from what I learnt going out and socialising on my own several times a week for over a decade...

- Find somewhere you like.

The most important thing when trying to make new friends is to feel comfortable. If you're at a bar you hate you'll give off bad vibes and the people who are there to have a good time won't want to be around you.

If you don't like bars, most cities will have festivals and other things going on during weekends which you can try out. Another thing I'd do in my city in the summer was go to parks because often there will be groups of friends drinking and listening to music that you can try to talk to.

But the important thing is to just find a place you enjoy being. And don't feel you need to commit to anywhere either. I'd often go to several different places before I found somewhere I liked the vibe of and suck around.

- Have no motives.

By far the biggest mistake you can make when trying to make friends with people is actively trying to make friends.

People can tell when you want something from them and when you're not being genuine. If you're talking to someone and run out of things to say just end the conversation with a "nice meeting you" and move on. A forced conversation is always a bad conversation. But a good conversation that comes to an early end can easily turn into a second or a third conversation later. And this actually a better way to go about socialising in bars because the more independent interactions you have with someone the more they'll feel they know you.

- Start topical conversations.

There's lots of BS out there about the best way to start cold conversations with people, often with elaborate strategies, but by far the most natural way is just to comment on something topical. Personally I'd be observant of whats was going on around me and if I saw something interesting – or thought of something I wanted to share – I'd say it to nearest person. So if you're in a bar and some guy yells at some other dude, that's a great time to turn to the person next to you and ask, "what was that all about?".

By far the best conversation starters are ones that in addition to being topically relevant say something about yourself and ideally highlight some kind of shared value between you and the person you're speaking with. If you're at a bar and you hate the song playing and you can see someone who also hates the song, that can be a great way to start a conversation. "ehhh, this song sucks right?" – and the same obviously works in reverse if you both clearly love a song.

A higher risk move but one I enjoyed was to comment on what other people were wearing or doing. If you're trying to talk to girls then this is about as close to a social hack as you can get... Girls love to chat about how some other girl at the bar is falling out of her dress, or how awful some guy's shirt looks. Saying something, "omg, what is she wearing?!" can be a great way to start a conversation with a girl in the right context, but context is 99% of this working well.

- You don't always have to start the conversation.

There are techniques I found to start conversations without actually starting the conversation myself. One I did a lot was to just look bored. If you're in a social environment and you're on your own looking bored people will often approach you and ask if you're alright. In which case you can say, "yeah fine. I'm just on my own." Then sometimes people will just say "okay" and go back to doing whatever they were, but often they will feel bad and come chat to you for a bit, or invite you over with their friends.

The other thing I'd recommend is trying to stand out in some way. Typically I tried to wear clothing or an accessory someone might comment on. I wouldn't recommend going too crazy though because then people might think you're weirdo and avoid you, but what I found worked well was to be over dressed for the occasion. Another things I liked doing was to wear an unusual colour, so I'd sometimes wear a pink shirt for example. This works because very occasionally people will comment on what you're wearing, but more importantly you can bring it up yourself and show some social awareness – "am I over dressed?" or "you don't think this pink shirt make me look gay do you?". Another thing you could try is wearing a band tshirt which someone might comment on. Again I often did this as a joke by wearing a joy division tshirt then I'd ask people if it was okay for me to be wearing a joy divison tshirt when I hated their music and only liked "love will tear us apart". If I were to guess as a guy if you want to a bar wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt you're probably guaranteed to get someone ask you about it. Whether you'd want to do that I dunno, but you get my point.

Same thing applies with items. If you can carry an item that either people might comment on, or you can use in conversation then great. A silly example that comes to mind was once I found a shoe on the floor so I carried it around with me for a bit. Some people asked why I was carrying a shoe, but it also allowed me to start funny conversations with girls by telling them I was looking for my cinderella.

- Don't ask for numbers.

This isn't a hard rule, but generally I wouldn't ask people for their contact info even if I thought we were getting on. If people want to be your friend I can almost guarantee they'll ask you for your number.

What I'd typically do if I wanted to reconnect with someone was just to mention that I might be going to some event on my own and see how they react. Or if you're at a bar you could just say you'll probably be going there next week. If they want to hang out again they'll probably suggesting coming with you and ask for your contact info.

- Have fun.

Something I realised after a few years of trying to meet people was that making friends wasn't actually what I enjoyed. What I really liked was just having fun with people. The more you can get away from the mindset of trying to make friends, and more you can just do things in the moment that make you laugh, the easier it becomes to make friends. If you think about people who are really good at making friends, they're probably also fun people who like to joke around. Being able to entertain yourself is probably the most important skill to being likeable.

Dunno if this is helpful to you or anyone else... Also for what it's worth I'm from the UK. I'm guessing in the US it's a bit easier to talk to people, especially in the day.

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