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Comment by garbanz0 | Hacker News Reader

As someone without kids I typically see my coworkers who do have kids be granted special allowances and bond with upper management over the experience of being a parent, etc

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This is the most frustrating part. I have so many team members who drag their feet on tons of projects and blame it on their parental obligations with seemingly endless levels of understanding from everyone, but if I were to say "I am really burnt out and want to take the day off to go skiing" once in a while, I become the team pariah.

I think this is less blame on the parents and more blaming on society’s lack of understanding of human mental health. It’s just when it comes to parents, the trauma and misery of raising a child is more well known and therefore more understanding is granted. It’s also why people without children can be viewed as overly judgmental of flawed parenting— they are kind of being the guy who goes “what, you’re not over it already” to someone who was assaulted or similar.

> if I were to say "I am really burnt out and want to take the day off to go skiing" once in a while, I become the team pariah.

Find a better team—that's not normal behavior.

Yes it has taken me a while to realize this now, as I had bought into the "well kids are a valid excuse, so who am I to complain?" propaganda for too long. I'm starting the leetcode grind / github "resume" update since the start of this month for that reason.

> "I am really burnt out and want to take the day off to go skiing" once in a while, I become the team pariah.

I'm gonna say to my 7 year old daughter "hey I read this comment on hackernews .. so sorry daddy won't be there to deal with you.. cause I'm like burnt out, so I'm gonna go skiing, take care of yourself"

This is exactly the "holier than thou" attitude I was talking about. This is the 21st century and except in extremely rare situations (for which I can't even come up with an example, tbh), kids are a choice. Having the responsibility to take care of kids is a consequence of that choice.

It's not a bad choice, but treating the consequences of that choice as a reason for slacking at work as being more valid than others when the outcome to the team is the same (i.e. less time doing work) is the issue.

Your job is just as important to you as your daughter?

I had a young coworker blow a fuse because of allowances given to parents not available to others. But I’m so old and have seen it so many times I just shrugged and told him to get used to it. It is what it is.

That's absolutely true - you become a member of a global club and can bond with people who will be walled away from you otherwise. Your own parents also make a reappearance in your life.

Parenting the next generation it vitally important to the continued existence of the human race.

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