Presumably because he wanted to take paternaty leave after his child was born. Also why wouldn’t you tell coworkers you’re having a baby? It’d be really weird to keep that a secret.
Of course, once it became routine, it's rather hard to surprise someone -- any irregular meetings on your birthday are extremely suspect.
So for one coworker's birthday, a week after we'd just done another's, I scheduled JACK'S BIG ANNOUNCEMENT on his birthday. He, of course, was extremely suspicious, and assumed it was a front for his birthday.
I made my announcement, brought out the champagne (well, sparkling Catawba), went out into the hallway to get a corkscrew, and came back in with the birthday cake.
So he had the whiplash of, wait, is this not for my birthday after all, wait, if it is, then are you not having a baby? And I declined to clarify until after I started my paternity leave, and half my coworkers didn't believe it until after I brought the kiddo in to show off.
It was glorious.
I would hate you if I worked with you.
I've taken to telling people I don't have a birthday when asked, unless it's clearly for necessary record keeping; especially in a work context. I get a funny look, but whatever.
If I learn someone else has appropriated my birthday, I do let them know, and we can share private birthday greetings.
FWIW I usually didn't participate nor did I let anybody know my birthday and I never felt excluded.
Throwing me a surprise birthday? I hate you. Inviting me to a meeting that I feel obligated to attend, only for it to be a surprise birthday? If it's for someone else, I'll just smile and pretend to enjoy it for the minimum socially-acceptable time and then bow out. If you did that for my birthday I would be pissed off. I'd still smile and pretend to enjoy it, but it would be excruciating torture for me.
And if you ever threw a party for me for anything more personal I wouldn't even smile and pretend, I'd make it publicly known how inappropriate it was.
It's cake and a break from work. Even if you hate every single person you work with with a burning passion, it's still cake and a break from work.
I can only understand this opinion if its some kind of forced event after or before work, or worse you're the employer and just want people making you money only. But getting paid to take an extra break and then scolding your coworkers seems a step too far
Actually, it isn't.
Since it's happening during work and between coworkers it's work.
I'd rather do actual work instead of pretending to be glad that coworkers are celebrating my birthday. Actually they aren't. For them "it's cake and a break from work".
So they basically have fun at my expense.
That's exactly why I always take a day off on my birthday. To do what *I* want to do on *MY* birthday.
And the cake part : sure, if you like bad food, don't care about your health and don't have allergies, that's perfect. But that's not everybody's case. Having gone through a weight loss journey during my twenties, work was the only place where I felt pressure from other people to stop my efforts and join them in their trash food orgies.
So I completely understand where @caymanjim's comment is coming from.
I'm probably a miserable person, if you say so.
As a coworker, I'll go out of my way if you ask for help around work or personal issues. But I will never impose on yourself something that is not directly related to our jobs.
You like having a party for your birthday at work? Awesome! If bosses are okay with that, have fun with all the other coworkers that share this same feeling! But don't throw a party for anyone else without asking them their opinion about it first.
If you can't understand that different people have different expectations about basically everything, I can see why you are quick to qualify strangers as miserable.
I see sentiments like this and understand why we lost the workplace as "the second place" in modern times. Part of it is corporate exhaustion, but others just walk into the ironwall by themselves.
It's half your waking life during biological peak of life. And very few people are working their dream jobs. People can help mitigate the lack of passion in the workplace. It's not my job to maximize the company productivity. I'm not getting any extra pay for working harder.
>If you can't understand that different people have different expectations about basically everything, I can see why you are quick to qualify strangers as miserable.
To be fair, this chain started with an experience and then a dismissive response about a different expectation and experience. It takes two...
It literally is.
Even if I was a manager, politics in the office would keep me from hiring the most optimal employee if I can't convince HR or whoever to cough up a bit more money to hire them. Nor would it let the manager relax the load on the most productive workers stuck in meetings so they can work. There's a lot more Theatre among the c class to make things look shiny to investors than there ever is among the workers.
So it's not literally nor figuratively my job. nor even my job de facto. It's not even the C class's job: the most productive is not necessarily the most profitable to begin with.
They might not be much fun at such parties, yes; but telling them that they should enjoy them instead or that they are miserable people seems like a very unkind and unhelpful response to me.
This is outrageously inappropriate. Coworkers who are so willing to be cruel are exactly what makes me uncomfortable in social situations at work. Bullying is always inappropriate. Social interaction at work should be optional and consent should be obtained before revealing personal information. People have different preferences and those preferences should be respected. I can’t believe I even have to say that.
> It's cake and a break from work. Even if you hate every single person you work with with a burning passion, it's still cake and a break from work.
It’s not about hating your coworkers. It’s about social anxiety, professional conduct, and personal liberty. Don’t lie to me about the purpose of a meeting and don’t use my professional time for your personal entertainment. I have a life outside of work. I don’t appreciate wasting working time because I still have to do the work. Don’t interpret my discomfort in forced social situations as a personal insult.
> I can only understand this opinion if its some kind of forced event after or before work, or worse you're the employer and just want people making you money only.
It doesn’t matter what you understand. Your behavior is inappropriate. I doubt it was your intention to hurt anyone so take the feedback, adjust your behavior, and move on.
> But getting paid to take an extra break and then scolding your coworkers seems a step too far
I am paid a salary. The work has to get done. Social interaction isn’t free. I still have to find time to do the work.
I see the golden rule is dead.
> I doubt you meant to cause harm but unsolicited celebrations hurt people.
I've never thrown a work party. But if my thanking or praising you is abuse then I feel this is a personal issue than a character flaw. Learn to take a compliment and learn to bow out gracefully. There's way too many impromptu abuses of your time and energy by corporate leeches for a random celebration of life to be considered torture.
You have completely misunderstood the meaning of the golden rule. “Treat others the way you wish to be treated” does not mean “subject others to your personal desires”. It means “respect the wishes of others as you would want them to respect yours.” You have no right to compel the behavior of anyone else.
> But if my thanking or praising you is abuse then I feel this is a personal issue than a character flaw. Learn to take a compliment and learn to bow out gracefully.
Please stop being a bully. You are hurting people with your behavior. Please stop hurting people.
It was HR, not some coworker. But yes, it is messed up.
I strongly disagree to that, but that is a different debate. (if you want my take: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34447138)
And with HR it can be the same. If the HR have the guidelines of making the employes happy - then you absolutely can share information with them, making planning easier - with the result of a better outcome for everyone. Like when the wife will give birth. "So hey, concratulations, good to know, so we can plan around it" - if it is a good company. If it is a company who don't give a damn and see every person as replacable in an instant, then this is a different scenario and the rule of not giving them anything does apply.
It can be, but it requires a skill of reading the room and knowing nuances in a situation of information asymmetry. The combination of information asymmetry and hr people, being agents of the big corp and not caring about the outcome for you is what makes it problematic.
> you absolutely can share information with them, making planning easier
if they company has a clear policy and is known for following it -- sure. otherwise it's "x days off for personal reasons".
But when you say "x days off for personal reasons" - they would like a date.
When I worked for a huge engineering multinational years ago, it showed time and time again that people went into HR with the best of intentions, but most were as time ground on disillusioned upon finding they were not, after all, employed to help other employees.
The good ones mostly left, the poor ones thrived. Sigh.
(That being said, I do believe HR has a purpose, ensuring (at least in theory) professional, correct and consistent treatment of employees.
Just don't make the mistake of believing they are on your side; they are not.
I never was in a huge company, but in a small company, I found they can be nice and on the human side.
"HR work for the company not for you, don't trust them" is a reasonable general rule considering the average HR department especially in large companies, but it's not a guarantee that all HR people, or even all HR teams' policies will be evil.
I expect you are much more inclined to try to find a workable solution if the case at hand is Dave in accounting whose kid attends the same soccer practice your kid does than if he's just employee #628481.