Comment by thr0way120 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by thr0way120 | Hacker News Reader

There is an epidemic of narcissists in society which is not being talked about enough. And when I say "Narcissist," you have to understand it goes WAY BEYOND the idea of "oh, this person is just selfish."

I was BLINDSIDED by running into a woman at work who was: - Dating a dozen different men - On every dating app - Pathologically flirting with new men everywhere she goes - Flirting with me and co-workers - Texting / Calling me all the time at odd hours - Living a lifestyle of traveling all over the place every weekend, maintaining multiple relationships with multiple men at the same time - Constantly on the hunt for new men - Meeting and immediately texting broad and deep with new men on the spot - Deliberately hurting / breaking up with men in a nasty way just to enjoy harming them and gaining power over them

IT WAS WEIRD.

It wasn't until I learned about Covert Narcissism and how it is a really severe psychological condition that I understood what I was seeing.

These are the people who are pretending to be "polygamous" or "dating multiple people." It is NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY and you DO NOT WANT IT AROUND YOU TRUST ME.

Society has become extremely sick, and social media, dating apps have given the sickest people the equivalent of methamphetamines to feed their addiction for relationship "supply" nonstop.

IF you grew up in the prior era, you may not understand JUST HOW BAD AND TOXIC IT HAS GOTTEN. It has FALLEN APART.

Stay away from these people, learn to spot them, they are sneaky and out to harm you ( I was personally harmed by this woman who was playing games with me ).

There needs to be broader awareness of narcissists, how they act and how to spot and avoid them. They are a societal cancer and the cancer is spreading.

> I was personally harmed by this woman who was playing games with me

Let's assume you were a willing participant. I don't know your situation, how it developed, what kind of tricks they used to make you a consenting person, but, if you think deeply and objectively, you were.

Looking back on the bad relationships I had, with the wisdom, reflections and experience that age and life give us, I realize that I could have said no, taken a different path, lived a different life. Sure, they were bad, and I was bad with them and with others, but there was no chain holding me there, except the one I myself was willing to fasten around my ankle, perhaps because I was lonely, or scared, or immature. Or because sex was amazing, and they were a great cook, so sweet when they wanted to be.

Bad relationships should make us reflect on the faults of others, but especially on our own shortcomings. At least, that is I see them today, and my life got much better because of it.

I wouldnt have believed what happened to me until it happened.

If you are not familiar with narcissistic abuse, they approach pretending to be someone they are not. They pretend to be your mirror, study you, use your language, mirror you.

Then they begin abusing you, it triggers something called a "Trauma Bond."

I had never experienced or even heard of this before. I could not stop thinking about her.

It is extremely addictive and sinister. The only solution was to get away to break the trauma bond.

These are things you simply cannot understand if you have never experienced it. I am a different person now, I never knew that something like this could happen.

Yes it's a common form of abuse, it's common because it's easy, it's easy because the "victim" is asking for it.

Self improvement work is a better outcome than witch hunting.

Incredibly insightful take that I agree wholeheartedly with.

These sorts of people have been around forever.

They have been. But in the old times such behavior would quickly get you labelled as a village slut and become avoided by most people.

But in the social media age companies need such people to generate content that drives engagement, and serves a a conduit for ads. This creates incentives for such destructive behavior, and forces such people into others' attention spans, reinforcing the loop.

I think it was also just harder to do at scale.

In the aftermath of his death, we discovered that one of my great grandfathers had a whole other family a few villages over, and neither family knew of the other. Being logistically limited to just two groups probably helped make it "work".

Yes, but COVID and social media has put them on STEROIDS.

Fun covert narcissism fact 1: Covert narcissism (with focus on both grandiose and shame) has a statistically significant greater relative amount of personal reference in writing (how often they talk about themselves vs others).

Fun covert narcissism fact 2: The Apostle Paul, the "I'm the least of the apostles" and "I'm not less than the greatest apostles" guy, has a startlingly significant amount of personal reference in his authentic letters as compared to the non-Pauline Epistles to the point the Corinthians even seemingly commented on how much he talks about himself.

Judas fits the covert narcissist persona. He gains your trust then betrays you in the worst way imaginable.

Reading this thread has been fascinating.

Most people have never experienced it.

If you have been through it, YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

Everyone else: "Nah thats normal."

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL

If it's not normal, then we can't extrapolate generalities from it, either. It's just an anecdote. One dude's anecdote. On the internet.

Your experience was undeniably terrible and her behavior is highly unethical (yet not criminal...) but you're simply incorrect in ascribing this to a particular clinical disorder. She's found a grift that works. That makes her a grifter, not a Narcissist.

Want to meet a real Narcissist? Go talk to any businessman convicted of fraud who continues to insist they're the greatest investment advisor ever, they did nothing wrong and everyone is just out to get them.

Or the covetous types who complain that everyone else has nicer things than them and so they deserve to have even better things-- for no real reason. They're not hardworking or successful, but they expect all the rewards of a lifetime of labor to just be handed to them because they deserve it. Your abuser was willing to actually do the work of fleecing people.

I get where you're coming from-- she exhibits behaviors from the covert Narcissism checklist. This is not the only diagnosis these behaviors are associated with. If that helps you name-and-tame the trauma, more power to you-- I started there myself and have since found the world of behavioral analysis is not limited to the domain of Narcissism. For example, autism is easily confused with Narcissism (not that I'm saying it applies here).

> Covert narcissism (with focus on both grandiose and shame) has a statistically significant greater relative amount of personal reference in writing (how often they talk about themselves vs others).

So does autism.

This pop-psychology crap needs to stop. It makes society a theocratic hell to live in.

Narcissists are absolutely a thing, but it sounds like you're conflating two groups.

The poly relationships I know, and the open relationships I know, just aren't even close to what you're describing. Even the closest singular example to what you're describing — one out of a dozen people who are open about being poly and a dozen more who are open about being open — was, despite being extremely selfish, not sadistic as the person you describe appears to be.

If they are open with it, that is definitely not narcissism I agree.

If they hide it, plus express all the other dark triad traits (sadistic / malignant behavior) I agree its different.

I don't see what this has to do with Narcissism. It's certainly a problem in society but I'm not seeing it here.

You did just describe a woman into "findom." They tend to be sadistic to their "paypigs," jerking them around (but not off) while extracting as much money as possible from them and dumping/extorting them in some humiliating manner.

FinDom is when you know what you are getting into it and do it anyways.

If you hire someone to dominate you, because you enjoy it, that is between you and them.

If someone comes into your life, mirrors you, pretends to be into everything you are into, gathers personal info pretending to be someone they are not, then turns it around and begins abusing you.

That is covert malignant narcissim.

Unrelated: are you a programmer by any chance?

Being downvoted because GenZ has accepted a set of social norms which are NOT NORMAL AND HEALTHY FOR SOCIETY.

But ok, go ahead. Downvote away.

Or more likely because your anecdote is conflating with no justification two different things.

Also, SHOUTING.

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