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How does blockchain solve this problem?

You still have to rely on a middleman (the blockchain), which I believe isn’t infallible either (human input error, adversarial attacks, phishing, social engineering, network availability, etc)

Looking at the grandparent’s post history, I’m pretty sure they’re either a parody account or a troll.

Yes, of course! Blockchain COMPLETELY solves the problem of losing your keys or having them stolen

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/hard-drive-lost-bitcoin-landfil...

I mean, you could use blockchain for this and create a viable solution. I don't think that's the only solution, or even the best solution in this case, but, worth considering the idea at least.