I really appreciate your recommending me something. Often people might just bristle that I said anything negative about popular music (even if it’s purely a matter of my personal taste) and not even try to help me find something I might like.
That said, in your song, as remarkable as the first verse is (and it’s a great tune), the second verse is too close to pop tropes for me. FWIW, my favourite popular-music lyricist is Scott Walker, who I feel is fully a match for the 20th-century poets I enjoy, e.g. [0] [1]. Would love to find other similar lyricists.
[0] https://genius.com/Scott-walker-sunn-o-herod-2014-lyrics