You don't need an app. You need to get out more. There are only so many places to develop social skills with complete strangers as an adult once you're out of school, especially post-pandemic. With those skills comes the ability to find people for any purpose from anywhere. I can't think of anything more foundational to being an adult.
If you're looking specifically for a relationship, where else should you go if not dating services/events? After all, it'd be weird to go to bars etc specifically with the intention of getting into a relationship (rather than just getting to know people).
Many people aren't interested in spending a ton of time getting to know someone only to find out that they aren't interested in a relationship.
Even prior to the emergence of the internet, dating services were/are a standard feature of many societies as a means for people to be introduced to other people who are also looking for a relationship, allowing them to just directly work towards that goal.
At the end of the year you'll be dating or married to your friends sister, or your friends sisters best friend.
Don't live life "trying to score" just live life and people will be all around you. Be available.
This isn't about living life "to score". For example, I personally would want to have been close with someone for at least a year before deciding to pursue something serious like marriage. If I were in my early 20s, I could afford to just make a ton of friends, maybe end up dating some of them, taking years and seeing how things play out.
If I were in my 30s, I wouldn't want to spend another 5 years just dating around with people potentially uninterested in marriage. I'd want to just find people who are also looking to marry and get to know them directly, as after that there would still be the year of getting to know each other before committing.
But unlike the former option, both of us would have approached the relationship with those factors already agreed upon.
I've seen this sort of thing play out with aquaintances too, they were in a relationship for many years, acquaintance wanted to get married and start a family, partner stalled for a while and then decided they didn't want that. So now acquaintance is left at an age where she really just wants to deal only with people interested in marrying, she has enough friends otherwise.
Similarly, other acquaintances, having made up their minds on when they want to have gotten married by, just reached out to their place of worship, which often provide similar dating services to waste less time and directly meet others with similar goals. Allowing them to put more time into solidifying their relationships before getting married.
Gets scarier when you consider the divorce rate. This is a much deeper topic than just dating apps. I think what others are saying is that the apps trade quality for quantity. That's why Tinder became all about hookups. There are no shortcuts.
As for the divorce rate, arranged marriages have a 4% divorce rate in the US, compared to the 40% rate for the typical approach, although of course this statistic has all sorts of priors involved regarding what type of person typically goes for an arranged marriage.
I do however agree that this is might not be too relevant in the context of an app famous for being used for hookups, but on the other hand, the intent of this social suggestion feature is obviously to compete with other more 'serious' dating services in leading to longer term relationships.
Call me crazy but it's not hard to run into techno-propaganda.
> Many people aren't interested in spending a ton of time getting to know someone only to find out that they aren't interested in a relationship.
I think it just comes with age. I'm in my 30s now and women are not even a potential dating option for me until I know them for other reasons. If that makes them think I'm "playing" hard to get, that's a bonus. Physical attraction and momentary lust is shallow. Most people are attracted to most people by default. Just go out and meet people and take your time. High latency doesn't necessarily mean low throughput.
> dating services were/are a standard feature of many societies
Ah yes don't we all look forward to a new era of techno-feudalism.
> Ah yes don't we all look forward to a new era of techno-feudalism.
I think you misunderstood the post you were replying to. Matchmaking services predate the internet and the telephone.
Not at all
How is a matchmaker "techno-feudalism"? Specifically the role of a human matchmaker who knows people in the local community and makes introductions.
I agree except about the “Just” part. I had to break out of my lifestyle, since I wasn’t meeting anyone at work or at the gym. I wasn’t meeting in large groups of friends of friends like in my 20s.
Quit work for a year, became a competition-level CrossFitter, started smoking and doing party drugs. Got a girlfriend who didn’t like my real self once it crept back during employment.
Dating-wise, after that, I didn’t spend too much time with anyone I couldn’t see myself have kids with; alcoholic, depressed, or not attractive enough. I dated 3 people in 8 months and made sure to not drag things out for comfort.
Sustainable lifestyle change takes years, but is its own reward. Work out, cook, have hobbies, do things offline, get good at ‘co-living’ skills like cleaning up and laundry. My wife puts up with a lot still!
LARP’ing is always temporary.
The dating apps provide a safe place for people to look for dates, mutually, and at least provides a pre-filter to exclude anyone that seems red-flaggy right off the bat. It's not the worst way to meet people or practice social skills, really. Expensive though, especially if you frequently buy dinner or drinks.
I've used OkCupid on and off for ten years (or maybe a bit longer), starting from when I was young and super socially awkward, through the somewhat more grown-up years, to the boring old version of myself now (with a stable, long-term relationship that also started on OkCupid). A few summer flings, a few on-and-offs, many 1-date-only experiences... but overall, I met a lot of really fantastic people that way (including many that became friends; we just weren't compatible romantically/sexually/emotionally). Never had a bad experience.
I'm a straight man in my 30s, mostly cis, average height/weight, average attractiveness. That is to say I have no special superpowers, but I also didn't have any huge barriers except my own awkwardness. Forcing myself to spend time on the dating apps and meeting people (alongside other social activities) really helped to get me out of my shell and learn to be OK with myself.
Another foundational thing to being an adult, IMO, is giving yourself the room to fuck up and be forgiven later... not so much "fake it till you make it" but "keep doing it and just make sure to learn from your failures" -- implying a certain level of authentic vulnerability, not just false bravado and shallow suave.
And also, learning to enjoy the company of others on many different levels: not just romantically or professionally, but also recreationally, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Mixing dating apps with other activities and outings can help your brain (and other parts...) figure out which is which and how they feel together and in which types of people. Fun stuff all around, but exhausting for sure!
At some point I started finding women that also satisfied my requirements, not just hers. Like everything else in life, you can't depend on your parents forever. The best partners are far beyond just mother approved, but people also change.
I can agree with this, and I think there may be something to the idea that the people who know you best (in a healthy parent-child relationship) may have a good grasp on who may make a good partner. I’d also count friends.
100% right about the bad matches?
Have you had a good match yet?
It is easier to be 100% right with negative opinion if your taste in partners is terrible.
Or perhaps there is a selection bias and terrible partners choose you (I've seen this pattern with women-who give-too-much pairing with partners-that-take-too-much).
A pattern I have noticed with heterosexual couples. Female friends can often spot bad female partners. Male friends can often spot unsuitable male partners. Could just be specific to my peers of course.
My mom’s first reaction after meeting my now wife was “how did you get her? Hell, I’ll marry her if you don’t.”
Take this anecdote for what it’s worth. :)
Is she particularly good at seeing who fits you (plus seeing that you fit them)?
Or perhaps she has a general skill of reading people and could pick for someone else (not you).
Presumably she is looking at character?
My guess would be your mum has skills. Certainly I know some mum's who don't!
And ask yourself whether you would want to be in a relationship with a chronoogical adult who continues to be so closely controlled by parents.
Red Flag, dating site. Red Flag, mom provides active input on dating profiles.