Turns out it was a conflict between nvidia drivers and my (10 year old) Intel integrated GPU. But once I switched to an AMD card, everything works flawlessly.
Ubuntu based systems barely worked at all. Incredibly unstable and would occasionally corrupt the output and barf colors and fragments of the desktop all over my screens.
AMD on arch has been an absolute delight. It just. Works. It's more stable than nvidia on windows.
For a lot of reasons-- but mainly Linux drivers-- I've totally sworn off nvidia cards. AMD just works better for me.