The studies you refer to regard subjective happiness at particularly difficult child rearing years.
Anecdata from older childless people, the emptiness of childless life once you’re beyond young adulthood is sobering and incredibly sad.
But yeah hold onto those studies that make you feel ok.
They are work and require sacrifice but it can be an investment that pays huge dividends for the rest of your life.
You’re not a bad person if you don’t want children. I think most people with children trying to convince you to have some are well-meaning and just don’t want childless people to miss out.
My advice would be: if even a small part of you thinks you want children, just do it. You will grow to take on the new responsibility. But do it no later than age 40.
There are tangos (and I'm sure country western, and other songs) that are all about the protagonist having had all these ladies as a young man, but never a woman, or how they left behind the one woman who was their soul mate just to get laid with lots of others. E.g., Ansiedad, by Juan D'Arienzo[0][1].
Here's Nick Freitas talking about getting married at 19[2]. Be sure to read some of the comments.
[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoHGmN9GTPM
[1] https://www.musixmatch.com/es/letras/Juan-D-Arienzo/Ansiedad/traduccion/ingles
[2] https://www.youtube.com/shorts/u_q8-UNk4TUBut if you’re mature enough to debate the pros and cons of having children, you hopefully won’t be a bad parent if you do choose have kids.
Your 20s are the prime years for reproduction, biologically.
Uhh this sounds like terrible advice--kids aren't cars that can be returned or sold if it turns out the "small part" was incorrect.
They are not a pet or a piece of personal property. Caring for a child is the biggest responsibility of your life and it will likely not go according to plan. If you’re unable to grow to meet the demands, then it may be best to wait.
I think you misunderstand me though--and I'm not sure how, to be frank, I think what I was saying was pretty clear from the context:
Precisely because it's such a huge responsibility, etc., the person to whom I was replying was giving bad advice. They were (basically) suggesting having a kid even if one is unsure about whether one wants to.
edit: oh you're the poster to whom I was replying. Above, you said:
> My advice would be: if even a small part of you thinks you want children, just do it. You will grow to take on the new responsibility.
Now you're turning around and saying "oh no, it's a grave responsibility that shouldn't be taken lightly, don't do it if you're not ready".
This is the dominant perspective on the social media that younger generations spend their time on. I’d argue that as a person in their mid 20s today, actually wanting kids is the bizarre position. I often feel alienated for openly stating it among good friends of mine.
I agree that a world without children sounds sad, but with the way things are going, a world with them seems sadder to me.
We are literally living humanity’s best years. Children today basically get sad for not having enough time to play Roblox. How sad is it that they have schoolwork to do instead of subsistence farming? And we get sad over climate change while stuffing our faces with cheap and delicious food while the AC is on.
As a teenager, my grandfather lost a set of teeth due to the winter's cold, by sleeping in a cold barn, and he described it as a near-death experience. If anything, for many regions of the world, the weather getting hotter may be a relief for the poor that don't have heating in the winter.
We have zero reasons to be more depressed than prior generations. If we are depressed, don't you think the constant fear porn from mass-media has more to do with it?
PS: it's not just the carbs that are cheaper and more available. It's everything, including meat. Staples of any healthy vegan diet, like green peas, or lentils, weren't even available until ~1960, after industrial agriculture caught on. Never mind the availability of fresh fruits year-round. My grandparents basically lived on a diet of polenta, potatoes, milk, and eggs, as that's what they were able to grow.
I didn't have to read about it on the news; I lived it. The heat this year was soul-crushing and we're not that far into the 21st century. Do you think countries with lower rates of depression do not have mass media?
Indeed, the number of people dying from extreme heat is going up, but that number was small to begin with. And you know what the solution will be? To install some air conditioning, much like how we survive winter by having indoor heating, and maybe to adjust our work schedule a little.
"Soul crushing", no offence, but JFC.
Is there any world in which this trivializing response to someone expressing serious dismay is not deeply offensive?
Don’t believe what you read, and perhaps don’t judge anyone at their worst moments. Don’t stereotype based on the vocal and visible few.
Here’s a story written yesterday about a child who is already experiencing this in kindergarten.
https://www.thecut.com/2023/09/do-kids-need-ambition.html
You may think that because you have not suffered, no one else does, but I assure you that is not correct.
I can’t begin to know your experience. The fact is that I live with an unyielding fear of people. So even as I’m grateful for the joy in the house right now I’m deeply uncomfortable, bordering on panic.
Im grateful that I can see the fear is unfounded but that doesn’t make it less real. That knowledge extends to knowing the fear is only impactful on others if I let it manifest in my actions. It always will, but insomuch as I choose my actions it doesn’t have to make much mark on the world.
Reading that now it feels a little awful but I absolutely don’t mean it so. I hope you can find peace for yourself.
The person they were replying to referred to studies; the person you replied to essentially said they love their children and that childless people find emptyness towards the end.
I believe both, and both can be true at the same time, especially considering that I've also heard of studies which showed that people tend to diminish past negative experiences. The parent will view the here and now, with happy children that are doing well, and see that all is good and hard work paid off. The childless person may have fewer people around them in later years, but which has a greater sum of total happiness? Being able to do for fifty years whatever your heart desires, or some happy end where someone sees you go and has a lot of pain from that? (I guess the latter might be partially my bias talking, but I truly am trying to view this objectively, like how one can explain both the study and the subjective experience from the person you replied to.)
What's it like?