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I'm shocked the idea was ever humoured at all. How many collective hours have been wasted on this idea?

What is wrong? Seriously.

Its important to prevent children from cheating on meaningless essays, dontchaknow

True but not all academic essays are meaningless (a lot are).

College admissions essays for instance play a significant role in admissions at top schools.

Maybe they shouldn't? What was ever to stop someone else from writing one for you?