But you don't HAVE to do those things on Android.... My Pixel is exactly that, gets the job done without problems or fuss.

I want the same thing, but which also isn't an Apple product

I use Line (kind of like a Japanese/Korean whatsapp) to communicate with my wife's family (Wife, sisters in law, mother in law), I use Facebook to communicate with my parents, and I don't have any friends to communicate with on other platforms, so I don't miss iMessage (maybe I don't have friends because I don't have iMessage).

Otherwise the apps define most of the UI. Android is basically an app launcher to me.

I think it's the case of knowing what you know. IOS design language depends a lot on being familiar with iOS already - I think a lot of Android design is dictated to be understandable by people who really haven't used a phone before so things are a bit clearer and more obvious. I know when I use my wife's iPhone it's so frustrating because it feels like you should be able to do action X but there isn't any clear way on how to achieve it - I ask my wife and she shows me that it's hidden behind some invisible menu or gesture and I'm like "how were you supposed to know this???" And she just shrugs "it always worked like this". Ok, I guess, but that's really poor for discoverability.

The problem with used iPhones is that the hardware is still powerful enough to run modern iOS, the battery only has about a year left to live so unless you budget in a battery replacement, you're basically tethered. This may finally be clearing up, but Apple's iPhone batteries from the previous decade were abysmal and had no headroom for aging. That's why they were doing the stupid downclocking of older iPhones, because the battery could no longer deliver the power to run full bore without browning out.