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Comment by bmitc | Hacker News Reader

I'd be pretty annoyed, as a child or not, if at every turn I'd be asked to retrospect about an accomplishment or even a failure.

Praising children for hard work rather than "for just being smart" is about their own personal wellbeing. Kids who get called smart in their early years have trouble facing real and difficult problems later in life, because they suddenly feel "wait, I'm not really smart" and other such pathological feelings. It's about encouraging problem solving, not just blindly working hard, and teaching that problem solving is a continually evolving process and not some innate thing that you either have or don't have.

It's true that the real world doesn't recognize hard work in a consistent way, but I think this is more about personal development and wellbeing rather than implying hard work will make you successful, for some definition of successful.

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> I'd be pretty annoyed, as a child or not, if at every turn I'd be asked to retrospect about an accomplishment or even a failure.

Perhaps like: "I wanted you to celebrate/commiserate this emotional thing with me but instead you're always ruining it by trying to make it some kind of school thing--what the fudge, Dad..."

> I'd be pretty annoyed, as a child or not, if at every turn I'd be asked to retrospect about an accomplishment or even a failure.

I’m the complete opposite. I might be irritated if people made me relive a sore defeat too soon, but I love “stewing” in the victories.

If people ask me “amazing win man, how’d you do it?”, I’d revel in retelling the story, especially if I took a shot and was clever. “They all said my way wouldn’t work but I showed them”

Ha, and I’m the opposite in a different direction. I _hate_ positive feedback. What motivates me is failure and a fear of failure. I go out of my way to downplay accomplishments but will talk your ear off about how and why I failed or almost failed or knew about a failure condition.

Maybe the actual takeaway is to figure out what kind of feedback a child responds best to and use that most of the time. You know, paying attention to the kid.

Or more correctly.

Congratulations on the mark. I'm sorry we subjected you to such an inhuman peer ranking activity. Society has become so psychotic that it's impossible for us to understand anything unless we quantify it and this is your initiation.

Lol, I loved how true this is, damn

>I'd be pretty annoyed, as a child or not, if at every turn I'd be asked to retrospect about an accomplishment or even a failure.

I meant what I wrote more in the spirit of "Great Job! Teach me whats been working well ? :) " A curious, open approach that they get to highlight what they're proud of or think is praise worthy.

As opposed to "Great Job, now let's go over the replay reel with a fine tooth comb to analyze it" ... I think I meant it much more casual and friendly than perhaps it read?

I mean, would you? It is literally a defining capability for high level performance. Take a breather, enjoy success, but then look at it.

Though, make no mistake, there is a ton of variability in kids. I think I could reasonably do this with one kid, but I couldn't with another. And some kids need pressing, some don't seem to.

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