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> The reality is that the "assholes" get the hottest women. I put that in quotes because that's the superficial impression, not a nuanced statement. It's valid though. There are women who get married to murderers on death row. These are sexy, beautiful women. Meanwhile "nice guys" are single into their thirties and complaining about it on Reddit.

I don’t find that to be the reality. Most likely, the “nice guy” has a number of qualities that are off-putting to potential partners and the “asshole” is only perceived as such by the “nice guy”. I don’t mean to say assholes don’t find partners, they do, but the general perception of “the asshole always gets the girl” seems more like a sophomoric projection of jealously than reality.

> Being "nice" and "polite" doesn't work. As a random set of examples, people here on HN will generally acknowledge either Trump and/or Elon as being unmitigated asses, right? They've both had multiple wives and a bunch of kids.

> What does that tell you?

Not much… I mean it’s not news that rich and powerful men have an easy time finding people. But tbh, all walks of life have partners. Tons of nice, polite people have partners, yet you ignore those examples for some reason and claim that “doesn’t work”. I suspect the root issue is a jealously/confusion/frustration that an ass like Trump can find women but you have yet to have the same luck. The reality is that it’s possible for pretty much anyone to find a partner and it doesn’t mean much. Being a likable person will give you the best chance, regardless of how many assholes happen to find people. Perhaps the only useful lesson from observing assholes having success is that assholes tend to have confidence and don’t care what others think, making them more likely to put themselves in a position to find a partner without fear of rejection.

Just take it to Reddit. Man, this discussion turn into a cess pit of frustrated, insecure males venting... No wonder those persons have trouble finding partners...

Being a “nice guy” does not work. Having confidence, while valuing and respecting women (as they would you) absolutely does.

What about the people who don't have confidence? They should just kill themselves?

No, why? You have two choices so. Either you try to be a better person, try to build that confidence. Or continue pretending to be a victim and whine about your lot in life.

And no, a stelar career, shit ton of money, fame and drop dead looks are not what I meam by that.

Confidence and social competence aren't a switch that someone can flip just by trying harder. There's tons of men who have spent years trying to become a better person (therapy, self help, communications courses, education, constructive hobbies, etc.) and have nothing to show for it.

Coming back to my original post, and adding some more details.

Point was not being an ass. That means basically two things: Not actively treating people like shit (that can be pretended, something all those pick up artists scum bags do and sell) and unintentionally doing it. The latter is the harder bit, as it involves actually caring and listening to other people. When in company, making it all about yourself is not necessarily being an ass (it can be so), but rather egoistical and unpleasant for the other person.

Having years of therapy (!), and nothing to show for, hints, IMHO, at the second issue. No amount of therapy and course work can make you care about someone else as much as you do about yourself, IMHO, because therapy is for you.

Ad my grandmother aslways said: every pot has its cover (very bad translation). And she was right. The trick is to not force it, be open, let stuff happen and just not be an ass. Or a self-victimizing whiner, as that can be kind of the opposite end of toxic masculinity and is equally unsexy. But even then, there is someone special out there.

As soon as you make a relationship as much about the other person as you do about yourself, are sincere about that, well, a lot of surprising things can happen.

Also, you are never done becoming a better human being. Especially since for ech step forward, you will take a couple back at times.