Hacker News Reader

Comment by heattemp99 | Hacker News Reader

I have a feeling not wanting the love of your life to have had sex with many others is pretty engrained in most people. Everyone? No. But I consider what is most common to be close to human nature.

View on HN

I don’t understand why someone would even think about that. They are here with you now, so what if they’ve screwed around before? How does that even affect you (other than some added experience you may even profit from)

To be fair, it isn't always profit from. I've been with some higher body count partners, between the good sides, they also often have negatives, people who have broken their boundaries, triggers formed because someone did something they might not have wanted and so on. And then it happens that they may not want to do something with you because it reminds them of some asshole from the past and so on. In a casual relationship, this is fine, but its tough being in a serious relationship with such elements.

This isn’t universal to having multiple partners though as sexual abuse can occur with only a single relationship and very obviously also outside of a relationship.

i think you are making the parent's point:

>> This isn’t universal to having multiple partners though as sexual abuse can occur with only a single relationship and very obviously also outside of a relationship.

statistically, it is proven that those unfortunate people go on to be very promiscuous in life

That's a bit different, the issues with trauma from sexual abuse can lead to sexual promiscuity but it doesn't follow that having multiple sexual partners means you are suffering trauma from sexual abuse. And neither imply what an individual would be comfortable doing in a sexual relationship.

If you are a better athlete than me, you are doping. Or some such logic. Some people have more sex than others, both are good.

Yup! In particular judging someone on a single axis and using that to come to conclusions about what sex acts they'll do or won't do with you is a very jaundiced, objectifying way to look at another human.

Personally, I'd prefer a partner who has not been overly promiscuous, because I myself have not.

It affects me in multiple ways, for one, I'm looking for long-term stability, and while I don't think there's anything morally wrong with having many partners, it suggests there is something about that person that does not align with that.

I don't believe people change very much, I believe people think they change very much.

The most chaotic people I know are the ones who "have finally gotten to the right place in their life" all the fucking time.. They're the people who will buy a sweater and declare with a relaxed breath how now their life is finally complete and they wish for nothing further.

From that perspective, I don't believe a person with a large amount of previous partners have "finally found the right one", because, that's what they said the last N times.

Again, absolutely nothing wrong with having many partners, but it's my belief that the many-partner-people are more well suited for other many-partner-people than with me personally.

> it suggests there is something about that person that does not align with that.

I think this is insufficiently nuanced (assuming you wouldn't reject someone for going on a lot of dates and being picky). Many people have come to the conclusion that sexual chemistry is really important to a good relationship and thus try to test that as early as possible. This is quite different from sleeping around "for fun".

I've only ever been interested in long-term committed relationships and racked up a high-ish body count this way. One to two dates, clear it's not going to work out, keep looking. I've now been in a long term relationship for over a decade and imagine I'll be in it till I die, many of my friends are in similar positions.

You should read some evolutionary psychology. Taking some ideology you hold, which is very modern, and then claiming to not understand why anyone would think otherwise shows a pretty severe lack of ability to understand how others might think.

Isn't evopsych kind of like Homo sapiens fanfic?

Maybe I should. However, I'm not sure how trustworthy perspectives on history are that claim humans have had a different approach to dating in the past, considering how historians have a history of manipulation when it comes to promiscuity.

Of course I can understand how people feel different about this, but it doesn't strike me any less irrational and petty: They don't seem to realise those problems come from their own insecurities, not their partners or their previous romantic encounters.

I really doubt this thing that experience with multiple people makes you better at sex. The physical aspects of sex are dead simple, and not that exciting.

Everyone but the exceptionally oblivious, will know their own body better than any partner could hope to. Better sex (beyond a low point) comes not from some esoteric physical technique, but from what goes on in people's heads, "horniness" in the article's terminology.

More likely you get worse at it as you age, and all the clever things "experience" can come up with to make things spicier in the brain-part of sex, only partially makes up for not being (as) young and not exploring the map for the first time.

The love of my life is not my property. Her or his decision entirely, I ak jot entitled to any specific behavior from any other person if that person really doesn't want to.

Hobestly, Incels are better of on Reddit. So, please, just go there.

It's not the point. You might also not want the love of your life to say, do gross things in front of you, because it puts you off on a biological level. Of course, it's her choice to do it if she wishes to, but it's also your prerogative to be put off by it.

I do not believe for a single second that you don’t feel any sort of obligation towards your spouse nor expect them to feel any obligation to you. It’s also absurd to think people don’t have expectations for their partners before they actually get married, which include behaviors.

This kind of thinking (totally detached from reality, tone policing of others) is more incel than the guy you’re replying to who I think might be a literal incel

Obligation? Sure, of course I do. It does stop so at turning myself into someone I am not, nor do I expect that from my spouse. It is a voluntary partnership, one that requires work, that is uphold as long as both parties want to. It is not a prison, and will never make my spouse feel being obliged to stay with me. The 50s are over.

I stopped smoking cigarettes because a girl said she wouldn’t date me unless I cleaned up my act. Probably saved my health and who knows, maybe my life. At the time it felt like an undue burden - even though I knew I shouldn’t smoke, stopping was painful. I did stop though, and only briefly restarted when we eventually broke up.

My point is people expecting their spouse to change for them is not exclusively masculine behavior, not always toxic, and not particularly uncommon. I don’t get why “having few to no sexual partners” is regarded as so heinous. It doesn’t mean they are some MRA wacko.

Maybe you are so passionate about sexual freedom, you should stop poo-poo’ing strangers on the internet for their sexual preferences

So are you limiting your number of partners out of consideration for the future love of your life? I couldn’t tell based on your other posts.

No, it's not. Many people couldn't care less.

Terry Pratchett quote: "If you're building a house you want someone who's driven a few nails in their time"

doubtful. I don't think many people care at all, I know I don't

Believe me, there are many more people that care than the other way around.

Sometimes human nature is the flaw.

> "Everybody is identical in their secret unspoken belief that way deep down they are different from everyone else." - DFW

"You are all individuals" - "We are all individuals" - "I am not"

Reply on news.ycombinator.com