(Throwaway for obvious reasons.)
Hey friend I was in this situation until recently. A decade of trying to stop smoking and drinking wore me down and I’d given up trying. As long as I could get it, I would.
Im sure you are familiar with the seductive compulsion that results in the daily cycle... that feeling that more is always better and yes of course you want some right now even though it’s probably not a good idea and oh whoops I’m high/buzzed already so might as well keep going.
I’m happy to say that feeling is now completely gone. Eradicated like it never existed. I still enjoy the experience just the same, but “that feeling” of, idk, thirst-like need I guess? That became suddenly and totally absent.
What worked for me was my first experience with Psilocybin. I was surprised, likeI said I’d given up trying to quit but was always thinking about it.
I did not take enough to have noticeable visual effects. The experience was more like an extremely lucid drunk. It comes in waves, and each wave took me out of my own perspective long enough for some real talk with myself. Identifying the Skinner box was part of it: seeing myself wanting and responding like a rat. Seeing with new clarity what it really does to me, not how I view it internally though the filter of my self-deluding stories.
All this to say, I hope you can find what I found; the ‘grass’ really is greener on the other side of addiction. I’ve smoked and drank since then without relapse—no continued use after the social event, and no desire to. Good luck internet stranger, my heart is with you and there is hope.