> What if the daily standup routine isn't highlighting problems (nor otherwise helping), but it's just wasting time, throwing off flow, or frontloading a bunch of distractions into people's brains first thing in the morning?
Why don't you change the format of the meeting in a way to make it helpful?
> What if people have to contort their schedules to do it (either starting before they're woken up or done their morning exercise, or interrupting the flow of early-risers who'd already dug into their work)?
Why don't you talk to your team to move the stand up to a time that's convenient to everyone?
> What if the team members are good at async collaboration, and have a good sense when on-demand real-time is worthwhile, so daily synchronous standups seem like someone else needs help/nudge to learn the skills of the other team members, to avoid sabotaging a high-performing team's effectiveness and morale?
Then why are you having stand ups at all?
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(I don't know if you are the one who has those issues, but I'm going to use "you" in my response just because it's easier)
None of the things you listed are problems with a daily stand up. Almost all of them seem to be communication issues within your team where you can't or won't communicate your needs to the rest of the team. You're an adult (I assume). If something isn't working for you, speak up, take some ownership of the problem, and work with your team or your manager to find a solution that works for everyone.
Maybe everyone else on the team is getting a ton of value out of the meeting and you are not. If that's the case then it seems like the problem isn't stand up, it's you. Remember, not every meeting you attend is there to give you value. Some meetings exist for other people to get value from you. Just because you're not getting something from it doesn't mean it's a bad meeting.
On the other end of the spectrum, if you talk to your team and no one is getting any value out of the meeting, then the problem isn't the meeting, it's that your team leadership sucks and they're making everyone go to meetings that no one is getting value out of.
Daily stand ups are just a tool. Saying daily stand ups suck would be like saying hammers suck. Your may not need a daily stand up, but that doesn't mean they're bad.